Dave: My god would kick your god's ass.
Steve: That's impossible. My god is omnipotent.
Dave: Yeah? well mine is omnipotenter.
Steve: Nate, I'm gonna need a ruling on that one.
Me: Not only is omnipotenter not a word, it wouldn't make sense if it was one.
Dave: Fine, my god is also omnipotent. But he'd still beat your god up.
Steve: Nate?
Me: I have lost the course of this conversation.
Steve: Fuck you and your god, Dave.
Dave: Arm wrestle you for it?
Steve: Deal.
Emily: Why are they arm wrestling?
Me: Funny story. You see, Dave is Jewish and Steve is Catholic but neither of them actually practice their faiths or study their respective religious literature and as a result, they think they have different gods.
Emily: So?
Me: So they were arguing about whose god was more badass and they couldn't come to a conclusion because there isn't one so they decided to arm wrestle to prove whose god is the most badass.
Emily: I don't get it.
Me: Which part?
Emily: All of it.
Me: Good for you. Congratulations, you have a brain.
Emily: I guess.
Me: Good guess.
Emily: Huh?
Dave: Sit down, bitch.
Steve: You dirty, steroid sucking Jew.
Dave: Stay away from the Jewish athlete, Steve. We're the pride of our people.
Me: What sport do you play, Dave?
Dave: Intramural football.
Steve: For a Jew, that counts.
Dave: Did I say you could talk, Noodle Arm?
Me: Oh shit.
Steve: Left handed?
Dave: Left fucking handed you little gentile punk.
Emily: Now why are they arm wrestling?
Me: They want to try the other arm.
Emily: Why?
Me: I think Steve's left handed.
Steve: Take that Super Jew. I am your kike kryptonite.
Dave: Bullshit. You're just left handed.
Steve: And you are clearly? uh? beat at arm wrestling.
Dave: How witty.
Steve: Whatever, penny pincher. We're tied.
Dave: What should we use for a tie breaker?
Emily: Spelling contest?
Steve: I can't even spell, spelling contest.
Dave: Hey, Lion Food.
Steve: What up, Dirty Jew.
Dave: Thumb war?
Steve: Thumb war!
Emily: You can't be serious.
Me: I'm serious. We'll be back from the walk-in clinic in a few.
Emily: I just don't see how he managed to break his pinky in a thumb war.
Steve: That's 'cause you don't know how I roll and you never will 'cause I kill all the bastards who be thinking that my drinking be sinking the ship that's winking and crinkling like a shirt that? something inkling of my? ahh.
Me: Thank god you had those pain killers, Em.
Emily: Don't leave home without 'em.
Labels: snippets