Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously injecting jokes like Christmas injects the economy with retail sales.
It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn who's really in charge of E.E. Cummings' dumdamslamslumsloppidy wurl (id sho am wicked id are).
Bernanke Explains Himself, Gets Sent to Room
You know, sometimes I feel for Ben Bernanke. Sure, he's essentially the chief of an illegal cartel that manipulates monetary policy at its whim for the sole purpose of keeping rich bank owners nice and fat, but man, if I had to get in front of congress?the same assholes who have used our tax money to bail out the likes of Detroit-based car companies and American airlines?and explain why I gave away thirty billion dollars to lending institutions, I think I would snap and start screaming. I mean, I think the only people in the world who understand less about fiscal policy than I do are representing me in DC. Anyway, here's what Bernanke had to say about why he helped fund the JP Morgan buyout of investment failure, Bear Stearns:
“If the financial system crashes, or at least is severely hobbled, then the economy can't grow in a healthy way either, and that's why we did what we did.”
I don't agree with this in the slightest. I personally believe that nothing motivates and improves an economy more than complete and total failure of current financial systems. That's how pure capitalism works: your company fails, another company picks up the business. But the Federal Reserve is, I believe, in the business of preserving its business relationships with the fat cats who own them. However, what I believe is about as relevant as acid washed jeans.
What is relevant now is that the government is considering giving broader power to the Fed and to regulatory agencies to oversee the business practices and procedures of all lending and financial institutions. The lie here is? I'm sorry. I mean, the idea here is to protect the people from another crash, but it also conveniently allows one entity to have a pretty good idea of the economic outlook of the entire world and then use that outlook to centralize global control over us through the most successful way in the world: by manipulating our money. Fuck me running. Bush was wrong: the terrorists don't hate freedom; we do.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Bernanke said we may be in the beginning of a recession but it was too soon to tell because all the data wasn't in yet. If Bernanke were caught in a fire, he probably wouldn't leave until he spoke with the Fire Chief about it.
Not for nothing, but here's Bernanke's statement to congress (translated into plain English):
“It's tougher to make money when all the guys in charge of making your money are losing your money so we had to give them more money or none of us would have any money.”
And yes, US policy really is that dumb.
Monsanto Has Seed Money
Monsanto just can't stop buying seeds. They bought De Ruiter seeds for eight hundred million bucks or so. Monsanto is creating seeds that have fertilizer and pesticide built in so as to create a genetically altered food that is naturally resistant to predators, which increases crop yield. Of course, they've been working hard to create seeds that produce crops that don't produce their own seeds so farmers will have to rely on Monsanto instead of their own skills. But that's just good business. I mean, why would anyone pay for something they could get for free?
Solar Power Grows the American Way, with Subsidy
Subsidizing the solar power market has led to a decrease in solar cell cost and an increase in solar cell purchase, which has improved that sector of the market significantly. Of course, none of it is really cheap because we pay for it through taxes and inflation, but who cares?
After all, our government doesn't.
Banks Cut 200,000 Jobs, Like your Tie Though
Okay, so you're a bank and you just discovered that you're getting billions of dollars to cover your dumbass moves over the last three years. How do you show your gratitude, you fucking welfare case? Well, you fire people of course. Lots of people. Hey, what can you do? Times are tough all over.
Truckers Protest, Somewhere in the Distance a Dog Barks
Some truckers protested the high price of diesel gas, which is expensive because it takes more oil to make diesel than it takes to make regular gas and oil is ridiculously costly right now. No one really noticed the protestors though.
I just think it's funny that these guys basically asked the government to do something about diesel prices. I wonder if Americans even know what the term “free market” means.
Apple Announces that it is God
Apple announced that it is the number one retailer of music in the year of our Lord 2008, which isn't exactly official until confirmed by outside sources. Anyone can announce anything. Why, just yesterday I announced that I was actually Lord of 2008. Anyway, Apple is (probably) selling more music nationwide than any other retailer. People are motivated by two things: laziness and greed. And there is nothing lazier than ordering stuff from the internet.
Speaking of Music, Lazy Asses
News Corp, which owns Myspace.com, which prevents relationships from ever entering reality, will now be offering music online. Which is great because I hear people like to buy stuff online. Good call, Rupert Murdoch. You sir, are a genius.
I'm in Murders and Executions
Ansys, a design software firm, bought Ansoft, another design software firm, for more than eleven times its previous years earnings, which seems a bit pricy. But here's what's interesting: these companies both specialize in weird aspects of model designs that are becoming more important in the advancing technology market, they're both located in Pittsburgh and their names sound almost exactly the same (in fact, while I was studying this merger, I kept getting confused as to which company was which). This is kind of like kissing your cousin, if you ask me. I mean, most mergers take a long time but I wouldn't be surprised if these guys have already moved in together. This may be the only merger I've ever read about that did not require airfare to put it together. Hell, the meetings probably all took place over Pastrami sandwiches at Primanti Brothers. (Five years. That's how long I've been waiting for an excuse to reference Primanti Bros. sandwiches. This is a big moment for me.)
New Innovations No Substitute for a Good Sandwich
A data center built by IBM in some foreign country uses all of the heat that its computers generate to heat an indoor pool that is probably limited to executive use, proving once again that recycling is stupid, reducing is no fun, and reusing is freaking awesome. And no, this has nothing to do with my underwear. Do not ask me about my underwear.
A website called everyblock.com is working on a new kind of news: hyperlocal news. Hyperlocal news tells you exactly what's happening every second in your neighborhood, on your block and possibly in your living room (assuming the bitch won't stop screaming).
Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way.”
Aaaaaaaa?Mark Twain
Labels: investing