1) For Xmas, I want every Christian motherfucker to stop telling me that I'm taking the Christ out of Xmas when I say “Xmas.” It's just easier. Also, with enough money, I can prove to everybody that Jesus was actually my 10th grade Geometry teacher, who actually told me that X is a variable that equals Christ in Xmas. I actually believed him for a few years, until I was embarassed at an Xmas party.
After proving his divinity, I'll crucify the fuck.
2) Rosie O'Donnell. Dead.
3) I want my father to finally admit that I'm quite able to drink him under the table now.
4) A bottle of Jameson to prove it to him.
5) Everybody who owns a pair of boat shoes to get on a boat and get the fuck out.
6) I want a time machine. I'll go back in time and keep my sister from teaching my little brother the Milkshake dance. I'm nearly 100% positive that that will lead to his homosexuality, eventually.
7) A year's subscription to Hustler
8) A Wii
9) Every book written by Chuck Bukowski and d a levy.
10) Tupac's resurrection
11) A male thong
12) A videocamera
13) Four, drunk, bicurious blondes
14) Something to hide a videocamera in
15) A means to sell a gangbang video for lots of money
16) A case of Dr. Pepper
17) Dr. Pepper's advertising manager hung up. I fucking HATE their commercials. Dr. Pepper doesn't fucking make my life better. It doesn't give my life a distinct personality. It tastes good. That's it.
18) The ability to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and not get a sore throat
19) A plane ticket to see Court and Nate
20) A book deal
21) A really bangin' hookah.
22) A paintball gun.
23) An abandoned cop car.
24) World peace… and all that shit.