1) For Xmas, I want every Christian motherfucker to stop telling me that I'm taking the Christ out of Xmas when I say “Xmas.” It's just easier. Also, with enough money, I can prove to everybody that Jesus was actually my 10th grade Geometry teacher, who actually told me that X is a variable that equals Christ in Xmas. I actually believed him for a few years, until I was embarassed at an Xmas party.

After proving his divinity, I'll crucify the fuck.

2) Rosie O'Donnell. Dead.

3) I want my father to finally admit that I'm quite able to drink him under the table now.

4) A bottle of Jameson to prove it to him.

5) Everybody who owns a pair of boat shoes to get on a boat and get the fuck out.

6) I want a time machine. I'll go back in time and keep my sister from teaching my little brother the Milkshake dance. I'm nearly 100% positive that that will lead to his homosexuality, eventually.

7) A year's subscription to Hustler

8) A Wii

9) Every book written by Chuck Bukowski and d a levy.

10) Tupac's resurrection

11) A male thong

12) A videocamera

13) Four, drunk, bicurious blondes

14) Something to hide a videocamera in

15) A means to sell a gangbang video for lots of money

16) A case of Dr. Pepper

17) Dr. Pepper's advertising manager hung up. I fucking HATE their commercials. Dr. Pepper doesn't fucking make my life better. It doesn't give my life a distinct personality. It tastes good. That's it.

18) The ability to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and not get a sore throat

19) A plane ticket to see Court and Nate

20) A book deal

21) A really bangin' hookah.

22) A paintball gun.

23) An abandoned cop car.

24) World peace… and all that shit.

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