You Deserve This Blog Post
My epiphany came yesterday, in the waiting room of a dentist’s office.
I had looked up from one of the generic magazines that were placed on the low, mahogany table to see in front of me an attractive woman with brilliant, glimmering teeth. In large, white text, the words “YOU DESERVE A WHITER SMILE” where inscribed beside her grinning kisser. A large poster. Something the dentist had hung up; a gift from a toothpaste company.
At that moment, I brushed over it and returned to flossing through the glossy pages of the magazine. However, something struck a nerve, and I could no longer read the article. I was hooked. I couldn’t ignore it; this little advertisement was only the first domino to fall in a long series of bigger, more cumbersome…dominoes. I knew, then, that this sign was a perfect example of why this country is going to shit. And now that you think I’m crazy, I guess I should explain myself.
Hold on, let me take my pills.
…
Okay, I don’t believe I can approach this any other way than to just break it down by word. So, let’s break it down word by word, shall we?
You deserve a whiter smile:
You
When any sort of advertisement uses the second person singular (assumed “You“ is just for one person not for a group of people like redneck stump-jumpin fucks say “y‘all“), it’s safe to say that they’re trying to appeal directly to the person they are marketing to. Well, no shit, right?
Because toothpaste is used in the bathroom (and sometimes in the shower if you‘re a weirdass), the company obviously feels as though we the people are comfortable enough using a term that implies knowledge of us. However, unless this toothpaste company has somehow lodged a camera into every tube of toothpaste, I highly doubt they know me… or would claim to know me.
They’re trying to personalize the product of a corporate cycle. Ironically, the only personal relationship I have to my toothpaste or other belongings is to get me laid. I think of all my possessions as little puppies, each with a use to further my chances of getting pussy. But we’ll talk about that later…WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK!
Moving on…
Deserve
This is the word that ruined humanity for me: Deserve.
Deserve?
What did I do to deserve a whiter smile? Did I win something? Are those spam emails actually not lying? What’s going on here? I DESERVE to spend my hard-earned money on a fucking pack of whitening strips? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?
Let’s look at it again:
Me, the consumer, should have a whiter smile because somehow, I deserve it. Though, even though I did whatever I did to deserve it, I still have to pay for the product? Well shit motherfucker! If I really deserve it, I should get it for free.
Where are my free whitening strips? Huh? If I deserve it so goddamned much.
Okay, no more sarcasm. The point is…nobody in the world deserves a whiter smile. They drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and forget to floss daily. They eat sugary foods and drink sugary drinks and probably have known a girl named Candy at some point in their lives. People, in my book, only deserve a whiter smile if they actually work for it, not by fucking buying some product. Take this conversation:
Dentist: Do you brush your teeth?
Jim: Well, yes… I brush 10 times a day…
Dentist: Do you floss?
Jim: Five times a day.
Dentist: How about your diet?
Jim: I don’t eat sugary foods. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t do anything that would endanger my enamel…
Dentist: My records indicate that you have very, very shitty teeth.
Jim: Awww man.
Dentist: YOU DESERVE A WHITER SMILE!!!!!!!
Let’s face it, if Jim did all he said he did, he wouldn’t have shitty teeth.
Get me?
Companies know that in order to make money, they have to differentiate themselves between the NEED and the WANT. The things that a screaming little cunt Jewish Princess bitch screams about getting on her 16th birthday are among these things. She doesn’t actually need that new car, she wants it (again, no shit). But unbeknownst to her, her social life needs the car, in order to fulfill societal expectations.
Make the buyer think that he/she is improving his/her image and you’ll rake in the dough faster than a fat bitch’s panties “rake in the dough.”
A
This was actually going to be a very short sentence, but I’ve decided to actually make an argument here.
The difference between an indefinite article (“a”) and a definite article (“the”) in marketing is that with the indefinite article, you’re offering a more inclusive idea. The whole pitch here is to make it seem as though everybody else (including the cock sucking whore in the picture) has a white smile, and you don’t. And because everybody else has one, you better have one too…or you can forget about getting laid, son.
Whiter Smile
This is an assumptive bullshit.
Do I want a whiter smile? What if I’m happy with the color of my teeth now?
Fuck you.
The whole fucking problem with American society today is that everybody thinks they deserve every goddamned little thing.
Well guess what? If you can afford a yacht, generally the case is, YOU DON’T DESERVE IT. You’re either sucking the teet of a parent/grandparent/trust fund or you’re manipulating the populace into buying your product.
There are too many goddamned morons out in the world that actually perpetuate this fucking bullshit. In terms of my argument here: they not only BUY the whitening strips, they enforce the idea that other people who don’t get the whitening strips are wrong or somehow lesser.
This could be with cars, clothing, women, books…essentially, your entire life is run by this societal overlord that you can’t do a goddamned thing about if you want to somehow get through life in a somewhat manageable fashion.
Fuck it all, I’m just pissed…and a little drunk.
Note: If you’ve read this whole thing and thought I was simply talking about teeth: you’re a fucking moron and should be removed from this planet. But, because I’m not allowed to do that…yet…I will make it easy for you…
America: Yay.