Jersey Guy: Yo. Yous havin’ trouble witcho dick? Genie Make My Dick Grow is what yous needs. Yo. Yous be squirtin so much yo bitch better be a mop. I’m talkin’ if yous got phallus failures, erectile dyslexia, all that shit. Genie Make My Dick Grow ain’t frontin’, it’ll leave yo woman wantin’. Big Joisee Dick Contest. It’s goin on now and foreva, nigga.
Really White Guy: Do you mean when it’s like this (flicks wrist down) that I can be like this (flicks wrist up straight)?
Jersey Guy: Shit homeboy. Eat my money chain and choke on life. Yous stupid.
Really White Guy: But, Genie Zaos, will Genie Make My Dick Grow really please my flat-assed wife? We haven’t made love in 48 years!
Jersey Guy: No man, its yo dick! G-M-M-D-G. only make yo dick get bigga, it won’t fuckin’ help that lack of fuckin rhythm yos got (does the Crypt Walk). (Looks in camera) Ducks wouldn’t even gobble that whitebread dick.
Really White Guy: Heh-heh! Thanks!
(Flash)
Really kinda hot, kinda slutty girl: I noticed a big, fat difference in my lover’s certain male part of the men’s anatomy member, veiny penis that throbs when I choke it and lick the top of it in a counter-clockwise (somebody from offstages tosses her a dildo, she grabs dildo and starts licking it). Mmmmm-mmmmm. (Gargle) Mmmmm–mmmm.
Jersey Guy: That’s my wife, yo!
Really kinda hot, kinda slutty girl: (Chokes) (Vomits) Mmmm-mmmm. (Licks up vomit from the floor). Tastes like a big dick!
Jersey Guy: That’s cuz it is, bitch. (looks in camera sympathetically) Bitch is satisfied. (Combs back hair)
(Flash)
Voice-over: Don’t take our word for it, slut. Look at Dr. Worms!
Doctor that’s not really a Doctor: Can… I have… a sandwich?
Jersey Guy: Shut up, fool!
Doctor that’s not really a Doctor: You promised… a sandwich.
Jersey Guy: (smack) Pick my dick shit, fool!
Doctor that’s not really a Doctor: (weeps) I just wanted a tuna fish!
Jersey Guy: That’s right bitch! And with Genie Make My Dick Grow, yous can eat all the tuna-flava pussy juice yous want!
Doctor that’s not really a Doctor: (weeps) But I’m so…hungry…so…very…(cough).
(flash)
Jersey Guy: Daz right. Check out all these famous fuckin movie stars and shit whos used my Dick tonic.
(Flashes pictures…
William H. Macy, Babe Ruth, Chuckie, Harriet Tubman, Al Pacino in Scarface) Jersey Guy: That’s right motherfucker! Tony Montana bitch! (More pictures flash: Mickey Mouse, Vincent Price, A Young Marlon Wayans, Godzilla).
Jersey Guy: If it’ll work for him, think of what it’ll do for yo puny ass! DAZ GODZILLA RIGHT DER!
(A photoshopped picture of Godzilla in a puddle of Genie Zaos‘ Wife‘s vomit)
Jersey Guy: So buy my shit. Hit me up. Deez my digits, don’t yo call after ten bitch. Need my beauty sleep and shit.
*
Very pale, skinny man with neatly-trimmed mustache and big, dark sunglasses: Uncle Ron’s Peppermint Playhouse. (Wipes sweat off of chin). Parents leave your kids here. You can entrust us with the utmost care…(wipes sweat again)…of your supple…sons…and soft…daughters.
Little boy holding a football: Uncle Ron!
Uncle Ron: Yessssssssss?
Little boy: Can I ride the washing machine again?
Uncle Ron: Uh…(very nervous)…where’s that ride?
Little boy: Right beside the Feel-Good Phantom Hole, duh!
Uncle Ron: All aboard!…for fun!
Little boy: Uncle Ron! You’re so wet! I’m off to the ball pit!
Uncle Ron: Make sure to step into the acid bath first!
Little girl: Uncle Ron! Pay attention to me too! You promised me another look at Smiling Humphry, the purple-headed martian mayonnaise dispenser!
Uncle Ron: There’s Peppermint merriment in every lick!
Little girl: (pause) I want to go home.
Uncle Ron: Oh look! (wipes brow) Dancing Dan the Peppermint Man is coming!
Little girl: No!…not again!
Uncle Ron: Not like that silly!
Little girl: Good…cause it got in my braces last time (cowers).
Uncle Ron: Oh…(very nervous)…that’ll happen if they eat too much peppermint delight!
Dancing Dan: HEY KIDS!
Kids: HEY DANCING DAN!
Dancing Dan: (Looks at camera) Son got a sweet tooth but got a bitter belly? We’ll fill em full of only the good stuff!
Kids: (Uproarious applause)
Dancing Dan: Then, when they win our prize for best swimsuit. They’ll receive great prizes!
Little girl: I got a make-up kit!
Little boy: I got a teddy bear that’s eyes move and make this weird screeeeeeen, screeeeeeeeen noise when I’m naked at home!
Little girl: I got a Polly Pocket!
Little boy: I won a massage from Carl Clown!
Carl Clown: (Lights a big cigar) (Laughs) At least my hands are free of the Miranda Law!
Uncle Ron: Uncle Ron’s Peppermint Playhouse. Where kids are kids and we wish we were too.
Little boy: Does my daddy have to sign this waiver?
Uncle Ron: YES!
*
Gus, the Global Warming Gopher: Hey guys, I’m here to tell you all about global warming! (slips on an Al Gore T-Shirt that reads, “Fat saves trees”). I’m Gus! And I’m here to tell you all about Global warming! Gophers, you see, know all about global warming!
Regular person: What the fuck do gophers know about global warming? You’re underground all of the fucking time.
Gus: Oh behave you Negative Nemoy! Gophers know lots!
Regular person: Like how to fuck up my lawn?
Gus: That’s because we’re making speedbumps! We’re slowing down global warming by slowing down your cars!
Regular person: No. You’re an asshole. You’re a fucking asshole who digs and burrows and fucks up my house’s foundation.
Gus: I’m trying to tell you to turn off those lights, mister!
Regular person: Well, see, that effects me. I don’t want to pay out the ass for my electric bill, so I actually do turn them off.
Gus: You’re going to have a hard time when I chew through those wires!
Regular person: Wait…what’d you say?
Gus: Anyway…Global warming is an epidemic plaguing all sorts of people.
Regular person: Like who? Australians?
Gus: No Silly Sal! Your children!
Regular person: But…I’m impotent.
Gus: Well other people’s kids……Global warming is like a hotbox for all the beautiful vegetation on this planet. When the sun gets too hot, all of my food fries and I can’t eat it!
Regular person: That’s weird…I could fucking swear you dug up my entire fucking garden.
Gus: Well (burp) (looks at camera and winks) I was a little hungry…Anyways, Global warming is all about this (hip-hop beat kicks in) (Gus is now in shades and red MC Hammer pants)
When the ice caps melt
it hurts my pelt
to see all the little boys drown.
I ain’t no clown,
just a itty-bitty gopher with a big old frown.
Global Warming!
What?!
Global Warming!
I c-c-c-can’t hear you!
Regular Person: That’s because we’re n-n-n-n-not…uh…singing along.
Gus: Verse two. Check it.
Regular Person: Oh God.
Gus: It’s really fresh and clean
to keep your trees nice and green.
The water risin in the ocean?
Shit boy. Let’s not use sun lotion!
Global Warming!
Guh-Guh Global Warming!
Regular Person: Who the fuck taught you to rap? Coolio?
Gus: For real? You know my nigga?
Regular Person: I’d take Sarah McLaughlin over this.
Gus: She’s down with the real school.
Regular Person: (picks up cell phone) I’m calling pest control.
Gus: I’m out. Gus the Global Warming Gopher in the Grizzie. Peace.