Dear Little Jakey,
I'm writing this letter (and don't worry, no big words allowed) to you because I have some bad news to tell you: I'm sorry, but you won't be able to come over anymore for your after school daily royal rumble wrestling matches. 🙁
Over the next couple of weeks you're probably going to hear all kinds of things about “what happened to the man down the hall.” Some may tell you I moved away, some may tell you I'm permanently sick and you can't come over anymore and some may tell you I'm on vacation.
Well, the truth is I've gone to live with Jesus.
You might ask why? Well little buddy, I've had my own royal rumble wrestling match with myself and I lost.
More about that later but right now I need you to tell a few people some things for me:
Tell your mom and Marcy in apartment #304 that I enjoyed their friendship and all the times we went to church together…
You guys were my family.
And tell “Landlord Ed” sorry I left the apartment in such a rotten mess.
The other thing I wanted to talk to you about, is the reason why I wanted to go live with Jesus…
I had a big secret to tell him.
And even though I talked to Jesus at church and at home through prayer, that wasn't enough. Because the big secret I had to tell Him was so big that it involved me actually having to see Him face to face and whispering the big secret into his ear.
The big secret that I will tell Him, is that your head is ridiculously huge and disproportionate to the rest of your body. I will use words like “Bizarre” and “Fucked up” to emphasize this phenomenon.
I guess somedays Mother Nature just likes to play with weird science.
Anyways, I just HAD to tell Him.
Good luck in life little buddy and goodbye,
“Uncle” Steve.