By contributing writer Chad Stevenson
You learn at a very young age that, besides the obvious Christmas break, summer, chicken pox epidemic, and the time when you realize the smelly kid who picks his boogers and eats them is sick, Snow Days are the best damn thing to happen to your school year. The holiness of the Snow Day holds true even at the higher levels of education. Everyone knows that you must have an abundance of alcohol, but many college students seem lost when their classes get canceled because of snow, and they just don’t know what to do. Upon extensive research (if you count doing nothing as research), I have managed to observe the greatest activities that any student at any college or university can enjoy on their days off due to the “dandruff of the gods.”
Half-Assed-Sled Sledding
Any moron with half a brain and some extra loot can go out and get a saucer sled or one of those old school ones made of wood and iron that I had until some old bitch who looked like Whitney Houston after she didn’t have dinner on the table when Bobby came home stole it. However, most of the college kids I know rarely have extra loot, and have smok…uh…studied…whatever brain they had away. So what are we to do? Grab a cardboard box, pilfer a tray from the cafeteria, take a side door off your campus security car, or just use that guy who’s been passed out on your couch for two days. Find the steepest hill or largest set of stairs around, slap your soon-to-be death trap down, and you’ll be breaking Clark Griswold’s land speed record in no time. Don’t forget to get loaded before hand, so that way when your peace of shit falls apart and you hit a metal pole/tree/mailbox/car/local clergyman, it wont hurt. As much.
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Snow Phallus
Snowmen are sweet, monkeys throwing poop rule, but what’s cooler then a six-foot cock made of snow? Well ok, but the Olsen twins don’t seem to be interested in making that kind of movie. Other then that though, absolutely nothing. They’re funny and fun to build for all of the insecure frat guys out there. Recruit as many hotties as you know so you can have them smooth out the shaft by “stroking and rubbing it gently at first while all the time growing faster and harder.” Don’t forget to get loaded beforehand so when you strike out with said hotties, it won’t hurt your ego. As much.
Out of Shape Football
This resembles the standard football game, but it’s usually played by a bunch of people who’s exercise for the last four years has been limited to that weekend with the girl/guy who liked to play “bronco ride.” Get all of your quasi-retarded friends to get all suited up and engage in a full contact, bound to end in a trip to the hospital, test of manhood. Because we all know nothing says you’re a manly man like wrestling down another dude. Don’t forget to get loaded so when you go end over end due to a Brian Dawkins-like tackle from that asshole in D dorm it won’t hurt. As much.
Liver Homicide
Not a nature person? Can’t take the biting cold? Only go out to feed off of the nurturing lifeline of humans at night? Then this one’s for you! Remember that there’s no shame in staying in while all of the cool kids go out and have fun; you keep doing you, freak show. Simply collect all of the different types of liquid (it's best if they contain some alcohol, but most liquids will do—note: a skull and crossbones symbol means that only pirates should drink it, and pirates are badass, so go for it) that your floor/apartment can get, find the biggest pot (biggest, not biggest stash of, although that could help) or Tupperware container you can find, and mix them bitches together.
Only have some Miller, a handle of 151, a bottle of lube, a liter of Everclear, and a few shots of Jose Cuervo? Well, you know what they say, to make an omelet, the tough get going…or something really close to that. Anyway, there are no limits on the possibilities here; it’s a no holds bar cage match. With a little creativity, your liver won’t stand a chance. Mr. I’m-so-cool-because-I-filter-your-system-and-keep-you-alive won’t be sitting on that high horse of his very long. Just don’t forget to get loaded beforehand so when your stomach and esophagus burn from the inside out it won’t hurt. As much.