10 Signs That Make Me Think My Dad Took Me to Home Depot Instead of Disney World Like He Promised
I first became suspicious of my supposed 8th birthday trip to Disney after seeing tons of balding men and refrigerators, and no sign of Mickey Mouse.
Tag: Corporate
Customer Review: Product Blew Up Grandmother
I noticed that when my grandmother powered on her MXB39FLB7 it made a series of uncharacteristic clicking sounds prior to her detonation.
Elf on the Shelf Captain’s Log
The kids seem to want a chemistry kit, an iPhone, and a Kylie Jenner lip-gloss contraption. Santa will be furious with their capitalistic greed.
Shut Up and Retire Already
I hate Irv, my 66-year-old co-worker who's retiring at the end of the month. He's been gloating about it since I started working with him 7 years ago.
Opening Statement from Congressional Conservatives Following Historic Tax Bill Approval
Good afternoon, America! We've recently learned that humor is the best way to break bad news. Good thing the new tax bill is great news!
What the Commercials During “Days of Our Lives” Say About You, the Pathetic Daytime Viewer
The three most frequent commercials running during Days of Our Lives, and their insulting implications for you, the lazy sack of shit on the sofa.
Re: Need a Date to My Office Holiday Party
I saw your Craigslist ad about needing a date to your office holiday party. Here's more about me and why you should take me as your plus one!
Welcome to Sephora, We Invented Faces
If I'm being totally honest, I would say for youuuuu that this new blush we have called "You're An Embarrassment" would be perfect.
How to Nail Your Next Job Interview Even Though the Return of Xwq, the Celestial Obliviator, is All You Can Think About
Project confident body language, even if your instinctive reaction to the Ashes cementing Xwq's control on your mind is to slouch and fidget.
Pursue an Accelerated Ninja/Rock Star Dual Degree at Franklin Morse College
Our select, highly motivated students enjoy small class sizes, and hands-on instruction from fearsome masked assassins and famous rock bands.
Leaked Notes From Two Friday the 13th Producers Discussing a Sequel
Two producers of 1980's Friday the 13th brainstorm the future of their horror franchise, though the path forward isn't as obvious as you'd think.
3 Shocking Things I Learned Working at Home Depot
True story: An albino man named Moth operates shock collars behind the scenes, delivering painful volts if an employee comes within 25 feet of a customer.