I Don’t Have Ties to Russia, Russia Has Ties to Me
How can I have ties to Russia? The best people, all the people, really, but mostly the best, have said I don’t. And they're working for me now.
Tag: Corporate
10 Ways to Use the Holidays to Harness the Power You Can’t Get From Your Horrible Job
A holiday party is the perfect opportunity to quiet your anxiety and self-loathing by making others say "How does she do it?!"
Your Amazon.com order of “J&D’s Bacon Condoms…” has shipped!
Your order of: J&D's Bacon Condoms 3-Pack, The Original Infant Circumcision Trainer, and 7 other items has shipped!
35th Annual RC Cola Office Halloween Party Costume Competition
Middle age adults temporarily embrace a facade of youth by dressing as ironically humorous characters while battling unironic mid-life crises.
The Scourge of Sponsored Content (Brought to You By Snickers)
Honest, informative, unfettered journalism has been mutilated beyond recognition by a money-grubbing truth-assassin known as “sponsored content.”
Look, You’re Pivoting on My Narrative
It's as if to be part of the intelligentsia you have to say "look" before making your point. Look at what? Look where? You're a jerk.
“Amazon Prime Baby” Eliminates Barriers to Parentry
Amazon Prime Baby uses an algorithm designed to evaluate parental fitness based on Amazon order history as a means to simplify the process of infant acquisition.
17 Signs Walmart is Seizing Government Control and Declaring Martial Law
You know something is up when the Walmart coffee is unusually fresh, and the deli features sliced human flesh of "those who dare disobey us" for $4.49/lb.
Employee Suggestion Box Entries at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum
"If I see another visitor pretending to have sex with the wax Beyoncé I am going to quit. I think we should put bags over the wax celebrities' heads."
Business Networking: The Road to Nowhere
Thirty years after the deluge of college advice to "network network network," I conclude that networking is overrated, intractable, and something to be avoided.
An Honest Spotify Commercial Interlude
$9.99 a month for practically infinite music at your fingertips is a luxury YOU JUST CAN'T AFFORD. Now, tell me, what do you really see in so much Pitbull?
Role-Play for Normal People with Boring Jobs
The mood is erotic, as an IKEA lap shines on the nightstand, the kids are at a sleepover, and "Now That’s What I Call Music 51" plays that one song you like.