All the Flights Are Canceled, Including the One You’re Currently On
We will be booking you at the nearest available destination: a desolate mountainside, now viewable if you look out the left side of the aircraft.
Tag: Airplanes
A Call to Retire the Phrase “Have a Safe Flight”
How does one appropriately reply to “have a safe flight”? “I, too, hope I make it to my destination intact.”
Welcome to Friendly Skies; Get Ready to Be Punched in the Face
Whatever your personal weird fucking deal is, it won’t end well for you, so best not try to start it with us.
A Preflight Safety Lecture in the Not-So-Distant Future
Non-stop service from Dunkin Brands/Boston International Airport to Paramount++ Presents The Mummy VI/Hollywood Burbank Airport.
Hi, I’m Your Seatmate and It’s Going to Be a Long Flight
Time to get these shoes and socks off, settle in, and make myself at home. The air helps my feet breathe.
I’m the Screaming Baby on an Airplane—It’s a Tough Crowd Here
What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for jangly keys! Oh, wait– can someone bring me a bottle?
Your In-Flight Guide to Self-Care in the Unlikely Event of an Emergency
There is no need to fixate on future problems before they arise by preemptively discussing a plan for an emergency situation which may never occur.
Whoops, I Found Amelia Earhart and I Promise I Had Nothing to Do with Her Disappearance
If someone had asked me before I found her who Amelia Earhart was, I would have asked “Who?” unsuspiciously.
Simon Says for Flying the Pandemic-Friendly Skies
Simon says whatever you do, DO NOT utter a cough, anything that resembles a sneeze, or begin sweating while standing in your boarding group queue.
What Critics Are Saying About My Debut YA Novel “The Altitude Between Us”
“With monotonous passages that seem to drone on and on, it felt at a certain point like the author himself had switched to auto-pilot.”
Daydreams Where I Finally Get to Use My Very Unique Skillset
“Is there a doctor on the plane? Specifically, someone with a PhD in Mathematics with a focus on algebraic geometry?”
Hello and Welcome Aboard This Flight on America’s One Remaining Airline!
Today we’re flying a Communal Brain Space 1000. And through a partnership with Amazon, this aircraft runs 100% on recycled human suffering.