Updates From Your Facebook Group “Here’s To Your Health Anxiety”
After extensive testing of my symptoms by repeated Googling for “huge lumps neck cancer dying,” I’ve been self-diagnosed with a very rare tumor.
Tag: America
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
Yes, Chick-fil-A is Totally Evil—But on the Other Hand, Waffle Fries
Who could possibly resist the siren song of a factory-farmed chicken breast wedged between two nondescript slices of bread? Plus a pickle?!
New Monoculture Candidates
"Aja": Such an underrated Steely Dan album. “Deacon Blues” and “Peg” as back-to-back tracks? Come on.
This Fleece Vest is the Only Thing That Warms My Cold Capitalist Heart
I am dead-frozen inside, and this fleece vest is the only thing that holds my cold capitalist heart at a temperature resembling warm-blooded life.
Mr. Peanut Addresses His 23andMe Results
For years you’ve trusted me as the man/peanut hybrid from uncertain origins who loved one thing and one thing alone: selling Planter’s Peanuts.
Hire Me, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, As Your University’s Next Creative Writing Professor
Gimme a classroom full of second-string lacrosse players who are thirsty for validation---this mama’s fixin’ to teach creative writing!
I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
If the Earth Really is Warming, Why is My Wife Still Leaving Me?
The eggheads at NASA say that last year was the fourth hottest on record, and yet a polar vortex of Arctic proportions has descended upon my bedroom.
The USA is the Greatest Country in the World But Those Soccer Girls Need to Be Nicer
Competition makes the American dream real! But fighting to break records early in international competition while defending your title… isn’t classy.
Sports Quotes Informed by Political Philosophy
"That ball was on the line! And the whole question of borders comes from an outmoded hermeneutic treating the nation-state as a discreet actor."
Romantic Advice From a Plump Young Hen
You name it, I’ve been through it. Casual flings. True love. Nits. Pink eye. And I’ve been a truthteller and a trendsetter through it all.