Now That the House is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around
I will not be completely terrified every time I see a white man wearing a red hat. All my lunches will be Soylent.
Tag: America
I Plan to Do Great Work Today
I plan to do great work today. Just as soon as I...check Instagram to see if that guy posted more dumb pictures of that thing he thinks is cool.
I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole
I’m not asking you to think about “scientific evidence” or “UN sanctions.” I’m asking you to incarcerate this child with your heart, like an American.
How the Hell Did the Hot Guy Lose?
The people of Texas have disappointed millions of people who wanted their fates sealed by a hot guy for once.
It Appears Your 2018 Ballot Has Erroneously Been Cast for Gritty, The Mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers
These events are particularly disturbing given that we do not know Gritty's political party, nor is he a resident of the state of Texas.
I’ve Finally Made Sense of That One Article That Explains How to Be a Good Member of Society and Haven’t Seen Another Human in Six Days
“I’d suggest you go read the piece to understand the way you’re being pretty irresponsible about Current Social Issue.” My boss was ashamed.
The Five Stages of Grief for an Unanswered Tinder Message
Depression: Did I go too far by putting a puppy on my lap as I hold a guitar? Sure, I don’t know how to play guitar, but she doesn’t know that.
Movies Reviewed By Me, a Teen in the Early 2000s, Based on What I Saw Before I Started Making Out
"Gone in 60 Seconds": I watched until they stole their first car, which was, fittingly, 60 seconds. I got the gist. Commence make-out.
Leaving Neil Armstrong’s Homemade Banner Out of “First Man” Ignores That the Moon Landing was a Completely Individual Achievement
When finally he stepped out onto the moon, he spoke those iconic first words: "Look what I did.... all by myself… with no one's help."
We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, Not an Eater of Babies
Consider all the babies that Gulak didn't devour. This country is full of succulent babies that weren't eaten by Gulak at all, not even a little bit.
Colin Kaepernick Would Be a Distraction, So We’ve Signed Donald Trump To Be Our New Quarterback
Luckily, the staff at the White House told us that things actually run a lot better when he’s not around, so they’ve agreed to lend him to us for the next few years.
Thoughts from a Town with an Abandoned Twinkie Factory
"When we put him in the ground, we dropped in every Twinkie wrapper. A shade under a million. He lived to 103. So...yes. I think they're ok for you.”