The Truth About Landing a Podcast Deal in Prison
The producers were convinced that my boyfriend Todd was the actual killer. Have you seen Todd? My little baby cousin is stronger than him.
Tag: America
Boy Scout Cookies
Dad Bod Mints: Like the popular “Thin Mints,” but thicker, and with a little bit of hair.
A Brief History of the Metric System
One pound is equal to 7000 grains of barley. Yep, barley. Grains of wheat is a different calculation. And why 7000? Hey, it’s your system, don’t look at me.
Please Vote For Me, I’m Exactly Who You Said You Wanted
Some of you have commented on social media asking, “Why are you an angry lesbian who’s trying to take a nice man’s place at the Congress? Also, fat.”
Please Do Not Bring Your Three-Eyed Troll to My Keynote Address at the National Three-Eyed Troll Association Convention
If a troll eats my head, how will I spread the message that wielding trolls is a God-given right?
I’m Scaling This Mountain With Nothing But Tincup Brand Whiskey in My Backpack for Authenticity’s Sake
It’s about putting yourself in the life-threatening, strenuous situations that past generations did their utmost to avoid and drank to forget.
More Movie Adaptations of Our Favorite Board Games
Sometimes there’s perfection in having flaws. Until one man remains. Or woman. Or...How does "Guess Who" work again?
Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing
The liberals, they're wrong, we can't ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.
Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once
My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.
Things to Do in Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass with a Big Hammer
The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.
The Official NRA Guide to Cyberbullying Teenagers
The only thing that stops a bad kid with a dream is a good fully grown adult with a Twitter account. Please heed these social media tips.
What Your Drink of Choice Says About You
Wheat Grass: You are health conscious and enjoy taste bud masochism. Scotch: You are a lawyer and you’ve been to 13% of your son’s baseball games.