I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m a Performance Artist
You see, when I was fired from my job at Target for stealing money out of the register, it was actually a clever commentary on American capitalism.
Tag: America
All of the Most Common Vegetarian Menu Items, Ranked
When you request to have the meat removed, they’ll still charge you full price so at least your bank account feels like you’re eating a real meal.
We Must Protect the Elderly from COVID-19 by Not Visiting Them, So That When This Pandemic Is Over, We Can Continue Not to Visit Them
We know you're eager to get back to inconsistent monthly visits to your 87-year-old father and checking your watch and sighing the entire time.
Updated 2020 Tax Filing Guidance from the Casual Revenue Service
Hit the link in our bio for a bunch of forms. Keep in mind they're now numbered alphabetically. Sorry about the mess, ughhh.
Fun Time Killers for Park Rangers
Form A Team Of International Criminals To Rob The US Treasury: It’s on your mind now, it’s all you can think about, and you know what? Why not?
Let Me Help You with That “Epoch Times” Crossword
Let’s start with an easy one…. ah, 3-down: “Leader of the cult kidnapping our children and poisoning our liberties.” "Obama." Boom!
I, Teddy Roosevelt, Accept Chef Aut’s ThaiFire Challenge
“Would you like some ice chips?” Chef Aut asks me. “Ice is for penguins,” I say. “And chips are for Brits.”
Tenant Security Deposit Deductions for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Item Removal Charge: 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”
You Are Entirely to Blame
It is your blueberry Pop-Tarts that are killing the porpoises. Not your neighbor’s Pop-Tarts or that guy in Idaho’s Pop-Tarts.
What to Do When You Catch Your Child “Playing Epidemiologist”
Remember questions from children come from bewilderment rather than an impulse to influence those in power to use policy to promote population health.
What I Imagine a Slow News Day Is Like
7:45 AM: I turn the TV on while I make breakfast. The hosts are showing how to make crab cakes for fifteen minutes straight.
Russian Hackers Also Condemn the U.S. Government’s Weak Response to Their Recent Cyber Attack
Nobody likes working a job where their accomplishments go unrecognized or unnoticed, covert Russian hackers included.