I’m the Protagonist of a British Rom-Com and My Dear, I’ve Been Lying to You
I can't marry you into the Dukedom of Wellington: my parents are not the Duke and Duchess of Wellington. They're the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire!
Tag: Anger
I’m Kevin Bacon’s Character from “Tremors” and I Vehemently Oppose Gun Control Legislation
Put yourself in my shoes, trapped in the middle of the desert with underground nightmare creatures waiting to devour you at any given moment.
A Letter to Willy Wonka from Mrs. Bucket
My son only talks about candy lately, as though there is nothing more to running a business than coming up with colorful and dangerous food for kids.
Who’s the Ultimate GOAT: Jordan, LeBron, or These Baby Goats Standing on the Backs of People Doing Yoga?
Michael and LeBron do not like mountain climbing. They’re just not any good at it. Conversely, Baby Goat can scale a mountain like nothing.
Introducing the Brand New White Privilege Tracker App
Earn points when you accidentally blow through a stop sign and understand that people of color could not laugh with the police officer about it.
A White House Statement on Iran for America’s Bros
The big boy used his new moon to rock nuky cappos, support beezies, and pushed a hard line throughout the Middle E-Town and beyond.
NRA Talking Points For Kids
First, you come for my toy guns. What’s next? Marshmallow shooters, finger guns, fingers themselves?! After you already got my nose? Never again!
Our Airbnb’s Pre-Cleaning Fee Goes to Removing Every Trace of the Outside World
While our aesthetic up until about mid-2016 was "cozy cabin," our current aesthetic is more like "amicably abandoned sanitarium."
Goddammit, I Think I Earnestly Like Everything I Claim to Like Ironically
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
The New Pokémon Game Should Let Players Catch the Most Amazing Thing of All: A Pledge to Lead a Chaste Lifestyle that Honors Our Creator
"Catch” implies the game will be like the original, instead of my better idea for an abstinence-focused game. The slogan should mention doing chores.
I Resent the Placenta in My Freezer
I like the idea of burying it next to a tree. But since we can’t even keep the racoons and possums out of the compost bin, that’s not happening.
I Am Your City Council Representative, and Your Concerns Matter to Me
As an upstanding member of this community, I hope you’ll believe me that I am, definitively, a human flesh man, and not any kind of insect homunculus.