An Open Letter to the CDC about the Coronavirus Which Is Spreading in My Office, I’m Just Sure of It
He says he got a "nasty case of sunburn" from his "trip to Hawaii," but I'm no idiot. I can tell that he too is suffering from coronavirus
Tag: Anger
Next-Gen Car Features for Generally Irritable Drivers
To keep you safe on long interstate drives, Mother's Gap Lane Assist simulates a choking gasp from your mother’s throat when you veer out of lane.
I Deserve to Be PTA President Even Though I Spent Our Entire Budget on a Magic Globe
The Globe Master pulled a tiny globe the size of a McIntosh apple from under his top hat and asked if I wanted to “go for a spin.”
How Opening Up About Going Gluten-Free Gave Me the Confidence to Bore the Shit out of Everyone I Meet
I owe it to the world to share, and the world owes it to me to shut its bread hole and endure my incessant babble about chickpea pasta.
I’m Thrilled to Announce That REI Is Sponsoring My Dirty Laundry Pile as a Top Climbing Destination
A treacherous, smelly laundry pile mountain with its own micro-ecosystem, flora/fauna/foot fungus found nowhere else, and several documentaries.
The 50 Stages of Toddler Grief
HUNGER: They will want to eat something blue, but not blueberries. Blue. JOY: You managed to find food that is their favorite color!
Things I Learned Watching the Impeachment Trial
The whole proceeding would benefit from Bachelor-style confessionals. “I don’t care if I was rude. Lindsey has been a bitch to me all day.”
I, John Bolton, Will Happily Testify about My White House Erotic Fantasy Novela
Mary Anne is a hawkish White House staffer in her late-20s who drafts war plans with Iran which never quite climax, but her sexual plans always do.
Sorry I Kicked You Out of the Garden of Eden
In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes.
When the Facts Change, I’ll Tell You What I Don’t Do: Flip-Flop
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
Forbes 30 with Under 30 Days to Live
Bruce has been a policeman for 40 years and retires in 27 days. If you know anything about law enforcement, he will certainly die on his last day.
A Valedictorian Speech Composed Entirely of Staircase-Wit Comebacks
I wish I had said that. Instead, I broke into an ugly cry and stumbled from the room, having jammed a big toe on the life-sized skeleton model.