Maybe You Don’t Need Masks After All, By a North American Vulture
Don't forget it's scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer.
Tag: Animals
Sheep Want to Reclaim the Word “Sheep”
What's so bad about herd life? We share the same habits (grass), passions (grass), and politics (reduce your carbon pawprint...and grass).
Situations in Which You’re Going to Want to Have the Cart before the Horse
The horse is grocery shopping. Is the horse supposed to pull the grocery cart? No. The horse has to push the grocery cart just like everybody else.
Cover Letter from Your New Kitten
I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.
Sure, My Name Is Batman, But That Doesn’t Mean I Was the Conduit for Coronavirus to Jump from Bats to Humans
Please stop graffitiing the Batmobile with hurtful slogans like “The Caped Contager” and “The Dark Blight.”
Transcript from the Murder Trial of My Teddy Bear
The mortician had examined Mr. Bear’s three major organs: the soft and cuddly organ, the unconditional love organ, and of course, the colon.
Other Things in a Kangaroo’s Pouch
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
The Last All-Bro Society: Jane Goodall’s Revolutionary New Study
After watching for a month, surviving on nothing but beef jerky and "good vibez," I have begun to understand their culture and how they operate.
A Letter from Your Deprived Coronavirus Pomeranian
I eat at dawn. As soon as the sun's crescent pierces the horizon I will eat my dog chow. Or else I will go ape shit.
Congratulations Caterpillar, In a Month You’ll Be Flying! But Your Mouth and Jaw Will Be Gone and You’ll Have a Long Skinny Horror Tube
Oh, and instead of those dozens of legs you’re used to, you’ll have six legs and there’ll be basically tongues on the end of each of them.
I’m a Feral Pigeon, and I’m Running to Replace the Bald Eagle as the Avian Symbol of American Freedom in 2020
As a real American bird, I’m going to get down on the ground and fight a sewer rat for half of a discarded Chalupa.