Cancelling Teddy Roosevelt’s Elementary School Gym Class
It's just that you've brought too much of that raw, "I survived a war where they still used horses" spirit to your position here.
Tag: Animals
From the Spider on Your Dashboard, with Love
At first, I was frightened of you, unsure of your intentions, and your driving style did nothing to calm me.
Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker or Your Domestic Shorthair?
No matter how sincerely you attempt to connect with them, they seem to live by the philosophy "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen."
It’s That Time of Year Again When My Seasonal Affective Disorder Kicks in and I Transform into Glargor the Cave Troll
Like Bruce Banner turns into The Hulk when he gets angry, I turn into Glargor whenever the concentration of Vitamin D in my blood dips below 15 ng/ml.
I’m Little Lamb, and Mary Never Had Me
Our relationship---scratch that---friendship started when her sorority hired a petting zoo for a charity fundraiser.
Obituaries for a Thanksgiving Turkey
He passed the way he lived, with quiet dignity. Nourishing the owners of Grace Organic Farm with the bravery, honor, and tender thighs of a true hero.
Prosaic Texts from My Single Dad
Redoing my will tomorrow. I may need your social security number. Don’t text it! / I just watched Get Out. Excellent.
Five Netflix Series That Falsely Accuse Me of Taking a Bath with the Chimps at the Zoo
A Chimp-Bather Among Us: This two-part documentary series suggests that on May 7, 2014, I stripped naked and scrubbed myself along with the chimps.
The Email Conversation I Had with My Middle School Vice Principal after Repeatedly Butt-Dialing Him While Riding a Mechanical Bull
"Unless this is some sort of street lingo I need to brush up on, I think you may have accidentally contacted me. LOL!"
Am I Describing My Broken Car to My Mechanic, or Describing My Miniature Labradoodle?
I know it’s not very masculine, but it’s really more for my family than anything. I would have gone with a bigger one if not for my wife.
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.
Review Your Monkey’s Paw Order on Amazon
"I got this weird monkey’s paw from some dude hanging outside of Port Authority. I was trying to buy weed and he said he had something stronger? Lol"