Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.
Tag: Animals
I’m a Proudly Ambitious Burmese Python, but I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
It is so very, very stuck. Goddamnit, Frank. Goddamnit. You just had to eat the whole thing, didn’t you? You know better than to try shit like this.
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
Is My Dog Spanky a Good Boy, or a Foot Soldier for the Patriarchy?
He gets excited when I feed him, but seems lukewarm when I reach important academic milestones or make advancements in my career.
Actually, This IS My First Rodeo
Is there a changing area? I was thinking of wearing my cycling gear for the riding events because of the butt padding—makes my thighs look amazing.
10 Reasons Why Dog Owners in Seattle Made Me Hate Dogs
It’s a street fair, not a dog park. Your unpredictable canine is not having fun and neither am I. You can’t be apart for one hour? Seek therapy.
Shark Week This Year Should Finally Address Why Sharks Won’t Date Nice Guys Like Me
I celebrate their beauty and empower their right to feel sexy. But no matter how nice I am to sharks, they still refuse to let me be their boyfriend.
Disney’s Latest Casting Decision is an Assault on our Judeo-Christian Tradition
I’m not angry at Disney. Who among us hasn’t been forced to decide between keeping all stories predictably white or…not doing that? It’s a tough call.
Dear Hiker Who Was Totally Pulling Off a Neckerchief
Do neckerchiefs not itch against your perfect scruff? Who decides that your face fur should stay at a golden quarter inch?
Welcome to the Great Hall of Science and Nature!
Ponder morbidly whether the great stuffed beasts of plains and forest were found dead or shot purely for taxidermic purposes.
The Grievances of Punxsutawney Phil
The way I'm held when I'm hoisted in the air sort of digs into my ribs. I'd be interested in exploring some other hoisting techniques.
The 23 Stages of Seeing a Cute Dog in the Park
Lower self entirely to ground. Pick cute dog up overhead (regardless of size). Exclaim over cute dog’s cuteness. Take 3 to 25 pictures of cute dog.