How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bird
I've come here to talk about a small bird that flew into my car. He seemed nice at first, and I even thought he was kind of handsome, but then all hell broke loose.
Tag: Animals
Attention All Mysterious Creatures: Please Come Forward
If you're an ugly mythical creature and sick of hiding, I suggest you simply reveal your identity; I can almost guarantee that you will only gain from this exposure.
Even the Animals Have Turned Their Backs on You
Have you noticed that your life has taken a hard left turn into the pits of hell? Now, even members of the animal kingdom are trying to distance themselves from you.
Cat Hate Metal
I’m Washing My Butt! I’m Washing My Balls! Dogs are Gay! Humans can stiff my Litterbox! Cat Scratch Feces! Give you Brain Damage! I Hate Fish! I Hate Birds!
Your Pet May Be Trying to Kill You
As pet owners, we like to think that our dog or cat loves us as much as we love them. But sometimes the reality of the situation is, your pet would rather eliminate you.
Seven Reasons to Put Your Cat in the Microwave
Think about it, why not put your cat in the microwave? Last I heard (and contrary to what our "president" seems to think), this is still a free country. Just do it.
It’s Time We Educated Our Male Cats About Rape Culture
Following my male cat's attempt to have sex with his sister, I realized that the real problem is endemic to the culture of rape in which he, and all cats, live.
Sure, Cecil the Lion was Killed, But What About My Overfed Fish?
The world has wept for Cecil the Lion. But what about Thurgood, my overfed Siamese fighting fish? My friend left him to die and certainly this deserves as much attention.
Dear High School Class of 2015: Raptors Will Take Your Jobs
Raptors are not just dim-witted lizards anymore. They can open doors, hack your phone, and steal your car. And they're threatening to takie your jobs right now.
An Open Letter to All the Ungrateful Animals I’ve Rescued
I could have easily crushed you. At no time did you outwit me or save yourself. If I wanted to I could have passed you by and let nature take its course, but I didn’t.
Don’t You DARE Touch My Nuts
You're just gonna roll up like some kind of rouge detective and start stealing my hard-earned, strategically buried nuts from their strategic hiding places? NO WAY.
Is Your Chicken Tired?
“You should always let your meat rest after it’s been cooked," they say. Does the chicken really need to rest after two hours of inactivity? Isn’t being dead rest enough?