An Open Letter to All the Ungrateful Animals I’ve Rescued
I could have easily crushed you. At no time did you outwit me or save yourself. If I wanted to I could have passed you by and let nature take its course, but I didn’t.
Tag: Animals
Don’t You DARE Touch My Nuts
You're just gonna roll up like some kind of rouge detective and start stealing my hard-earned, strategically buried nuts from their strategic hiding places? NO WAY.
Is Your Chicken Tired?
“You should always let your meat rest after it’s been cooked," they say. Does the chicken really need to rest after two hours of inactivity? Isn’t being dead rest enough?
The Requisite Horror of De-Balling My Dog
Employing a more acceptable word like "neuter" would not alter the graphic significance of such a canine procedure, at least to any human male.
Your Cat Hates You, Guaranteed
Your cat views you as its food whore and excretion technician during the day. At night, your cat sits in the dark like an egg-laying hen, fantasizing your end days.
Owl Facts
No doubt Owl is one of the most interesting birds that exist in this universe. It is responsible not only for social media, but a boyfriend's enraged jealous face.
I Look for the Horse Sex
After stumbling on his internet search, all I can picture is my dad fucking a horse. It's not something you can let slide, like forgetting to turn the AC off.
How to Have Sex with Dolphins
For years the modern man has been fascinated by the dolphin's purported ability to have sex for pleasure. But to get a dolphin in the mood, it needs proper foreplay.
I Put the Fear of God into My Dog
I don't just look at my dog with fury because that would be cliché; rather, I tend to give her a sad, betrayed look, with a hint of intense bloody vengeance.
Photographer Seeks Feline Subjects for Sexy Shoot
Are you looking for a fun, creative, and provocative way to spend time with your cat? SEXY CAT INDUSTRIES™ will take your cat to the next level with LINGERIE!
Spiders are Ruining My Life
It's been another year living with severe arachnophobia. After an in-class incident with a spider, I realized that they are now personally fucking with my education.
7 Colossal Failures at Animal Cuteness on the Internet
Failing to catch your baby or tiny animal being cute is like going into the kitchen to make instant ramen, and setting fire to the sink. Here are seven failures.