I Just Returned from Space and I Will Bring It Up at Every Social Gathering
While all of you were walking on pavement like cavemen, I was defying gravity up in space.
Tag: Astronomy
Breaking the News to My 85-Year-Old Grandpa That He Missed Halley’s Comet and It Won’t Be Back until 2061
Tonight is definitely the most important celestial event of the century. Not months ago on April 8th and 9th. Nope. It’s tonight. November 27th, 1986.
How Can Anyone Think the Moon Landing Was Faked by Stanley Kubrick, When It Was Clearly Ingmar Bergman?
The flag looks like it's waving because Buzz Aldrin was twisting the flagpole and Ingmar Bergman had an innate gift for the composition of movement.
Pandemic Coping Tips for Extraterrestrials Pretending to Be Earthlings
Get Dressed Every Morning - Even if you don’t expect to be in public, remember to put on your human skin suit every morning.
This Week’s Pub Trivia Theme Is My Unjust Firing as Quizmaster
You also get free points if you have advice on what to do when your beloved pet gets evicted from his favorite shelf in a seldom-used closet.
Presentations Slated for This Year’s Slightly-Curved Earther Convention
Franklin will use demonstrations, like his “Star Wars figures on a basketball,” to show what would happen if you put humans on a spinning sphere.
The Final Transmission of the Mars Rover
I am a robot whose contribution to popular culture burned bright but was brief. No one cares about Mars Rover anymore, because it's not 2003.
What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You
Taurus: The Seneca Park Zoo believes they don’t need a sign telling people not to swim in the polar bear enclosure. You will prove them wrong.
Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde
We don’t know if Trappist 1-h’s theoretical moons exist or not, but the motions of these maybe-moons are still going to fuck your shit up, Cancer.
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read?
You’re talking to the guy who read a few passages from Aristotle’s “Poetics,” but also read the Wikipedia summary several times.
Thank You for Your Support, from President of the Galaxy Elon Musk
If infractions occur, whisper “[your name] identifies [target’s name]” within one meter of any Tesla automobile, and it’ll get straightened out.
Employment Opportunity
We also don't have a retirement plan because the majority of our employees only stay with us for 2-3 hours.