Sweeping the Floor with Sylvia Plath
Take a breath and listen to the brag of the dust mites—I am, I am, I am. But you want them to be not.
Tag: Books
Tools of Titans: The Douchier Bits
Grab a vegan smoothie, plunge your feet into a bucket of ice, and allow yourself, like an eager guppy, to be reeled in by Tim Ferriss.
Plot Summaries of Unpublished Monster Novels by Nobel Laureates
J. M. Coetzee: A boy who may or may not be Jesus battles racist zombies. Jean-Paul Sartre: Lucifer tricks a man into ordering a bad batch of escargots.
Niccolò Machiavelli Reviews Children’s Books
Charlotte’s Web: After reading this pathetic book, I threw it from the top of the Duomo, where it landed upon and killed a Political Realist.
DMs to a Young Influencer
Collabs; more inexpressible than all is the subtle brand selfie, mysterious partnerships, the life of which, while ours passes away, endures.
Dracula Regrets Opening Up His Marriage
I was the one who asked for it, and I had a lot of success at first: one, two, three! Three brides! Ah, ah, ah!
You Think Your Year Was Bad? The Peach I’ve Been Living In for Over 20 Years Just Rotted
“James, how did it get to this point?” I don’t know. I noticed some mold a while back, but nothing more aggressive than the average moist home.
Proper Dental Hygiene with JRR Tolkien
The journey begins in 465 of the First Age, before the birth of Tuor, son of Huor, with three methods, given to the lords of the brush.
Celebrity Sequels to “Eat, Pray, Love”
Andrew Cuomo: Intimidate, Inoculate, Incriminate Ted Bundy: Marry, Fuck, Kill Hamlet: Be, Not Be, Wonder Lil Nas X: Yee, Haw, Satan-Worship
Ethan Frome’s Depressing-as-Fuck Hometown of Starkfield, MA: Historic Snowshoeing Tour
Is the desolate fucking melancholy setting in yet? That was a rhetorical question. Sorry. I need a new job.
Your Horoscope as Told by Shakespeare’s Heroes
Taurus--Titus Andronicus: You are determined and reliable, which will pay off over the years as you climb the career ladder.
Firing Up the Grill with Jane Austen
I could easily forgive the pride of a gas or electric griller, if it had not mortified mine own.