A Diplomatic Mission to My Nephew’s Minecraft World
I had long heard rumors of Ben's virtual atrocities, but I needed to see proof of them for myself. After all, he's 10, how bad could it be?
Tag: Butts
How to Tell If Your Cat is Homophobic
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on. Uh-oh, it looks like Mr. Whiskers needs some tough love.
A Field Guide to the Flowers of Fart Town
The fifth graders got their way with the mayor, and it was a sad day to see the "Welcome to Cherry Hill" sign knocked down in favor of one that reads "Fart Town. Population: P.U."
I Am Perineum
I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.
A Shit So Big You Need to Call Your Mom
We’ve all been there, sitting on the toilet, ass bleeding, thinking, “Why me? What the hell did I do/eat to deserve this?”
I’m Positive My Origin Story Means I’m Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now
The postage wouldn’t stop coming and my uncle moved us into a motel, but the wizarding world still found me.
Our Medication May Kill You, But It’s Not For Sure (Ok, It’s For Sure)
While this medication may be swallowed, it may also be used as a suppository, although after ingestion, please immediately finish your living will.
I Lost a Silver Bullet in My Butt
Over time, you tend to become more and brave with the vibrating pleasure bullet. Sticking him in places where you feel pretty safe he'll pop right back out.
Did You Not Wash Your Hands After Pooping on the Boss’ Desk?
Gary, I've called you into HR today not because you defecated onto Mr. Peters’ desk, but because you clearly didn’t even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward.
Be Thankful for Farts
At 29, I am convinced that farts are just as humorous as they were when my father first asked me to pull his finger. May your sense of smell remain just as light-hearted.
“Those Aren’t My Jarred Feces”
Now that tampons aren't allowed in the Texas Senate, here is how I imagine the conversation went when a bag inspector lifted a jar of poo from a citizen's purse.
The Girl with the Stank Booty
Yesterday my boy Willie B. hooked me up with a blind date. I met her in a gas station McDonald's for an early supper, and immediately fell in lust.