5 Surefire Ways to Get Elton John to Come to Your Open-Casket Funeral
Write “Elton” on your left hand and “John” on your right hand, zoom in, and make it look like Elton John himself is removing your space helmet.
Tag: Celebs
Justin Bieber is Radioactive! and More of Today’s Absolutely Essential Celebrity News
The Despacito singer received a routine chest X-ray today. Doctors say the Biebs will be “mildly radioactive for the next several hours.” Cute!
The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All
A master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass. It’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit.
Transcript of Donald Trump’s Interview with Sean Hannity
Let's get right into the meat of it: immigration. We're going to stop saying "carne" in this country, aren't we, Mr. President?
Excerpts from Tom DeLonge’s Next UFO Manifesto That are Definitely Not Pleas to Rejoin Blink-182
How could your bandmates of 13 rad-as-hell years up and replace you when all you requested was an indefinite break to go hunt aliens for a living?
I’m an Uber Customer Service Associate and I’ve Been on the Phone with Clint Eastwood for 3 Years
I saw my own reflection on the screen of my computer and I was reminded of the oath I took when I accepted this job at Uber.
Martha Stewart’s Recipe for the Disappointment in All of Us
Hey ya'll, it's me, Martha Stewart, and I'm here to tell you that even you can can succeed in baking this very simple, very disappointing recipe.
I Won’t Eat Caribou Unless It’s Slaughtered By at Least a Somewhat Automatic Weapon
Have you ever tried venison that was tactfully killed using a manual-load weapon and just a few bullets to the torso? It's fucking disgusting.
4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat
Four ways to trade those painful, meowy gasps for quality, pounding synths, whether you're a hip-hop head, a folk fanatic, or a sensitive Nancy.
Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?”
The man who started out in a brief cameo appearance has quickly become a series regular in my life, and things are getting weird.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Essentials
With the smell of Elmer's glue and viscosity of frozen molasses, Ghost Lube by Karl Lagerfeld is a must-have at a mere $4,500 per bottle.
Who Will Win Big at the 2018 Oscars?
Popular wisdom has Gary Oldman and Daniel Day-Lewis fighting it out for best actor, but they're gonna have a hard time beating the deserving winner.