Letter of Apology to the Film Crew of My Optional 4th Grade Winter Break Assignment
I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego.
Tag: Children
A Checklist for the Babysitter
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
You, a Teenage Babysitter, and I, a 47-Year-Old Father Driving You Home, Will Get Through This Silent Car Ride
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
As a Professional Bouncy Castle Inspector, I Take My Job Very Seriously
The public thinks this job is all colorful vinyl and happy bouncing. They're wrong. Catastrophically wrong.
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
How to Impress People as a Dad
Stimulate Your Baby’s Senses: But avoid actual stimulants, like coffee and Red Bull.
Warrior: I Voted in a Middle School Gym During a 6th Grade Basketball Game
I took an “I Voted” sticker and slapped it on. The anti-participation trophy faction in the stands booed this profusely.
Confession: I Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar
The crumbs in my bed sheets, the chocolate smear on my PJs—I don’t know, maybe I wanted to get caught.
Your Son Got a Sip of Dad’s Heineken and It’s Affecting His Performance in 3rd Grade
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
A List of Excuses to Use If You’re a Rich Parent with a Badly Behaved Child
You think my child is a heinous sociopath because she killed your family cat? Ever heard of formaldehyde and Damien Hirst? It's called art.
Google Maps Directions for a Parent with a Screaming Baby in the Backseat
In 200 feet, check the mirror to ensure your child hasn’t escaped the car seat like a little Gen Alpha Houdini.
My Bat Mitzvah Speech, More or Less Verbatim
I said I was sorry, and Sam said it was okay and that he would stop taking my iPod. This is one example of misunderstandings outside of the Torah.