Fun Summer Activities for Kids (Brought to You by the Society for a Flat Earth)
Ask whether they want to eat off of a flat plate or an upside-down bowl. Your child will soon realize that flat surfaces are the only way to go!
Tag: Children
How Children Remember History vs. How Their Parents Remember It
1327 AD: “I love this new “Ring Around the Rosie” Song!” vs. “I hate that schools are trying to make this bubonic plague sound fun!”
Spotify Algorithm Baffled by Sudden Fascination with The Wiggles
At first, I thought, maybe it’s because he’s been streaming a lot of Tame Impala lately and there’s some kind of strange Australia connection there.
Is Cindy a Better Parent Than You? A Research Paper
We, the authors (your neighborhood walking group), are hopeful that an analysis of our findings will lead you to finally shut the fuck up about this.
Passages from My Nine-Year-Old’s Journal That Prove He’s Possessed by Walt Whitman’s Ghost
O’ empty day in the bore of my classroom. Today Miss Woolley asked me to remove my hat, and I reminded her that I will wear it as I please.
Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
What I Plan to Do This Weekend, Knowing a 23-Ton Piece of Space Debris Is Expected to Crash Randomly into the Planet
I will still go to the farmer’s market, but I will definitely be glancing at the sky and looking for anything that looks like it might crash into me.
I’m Your Unexpected Hangover and I’m Here to Ruin Your Day
"I only had two glasses of wine with dinner." Ah, ah, ah. Correction: you had two AND A HALF glasses of wine.
I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan
All that changed when a (unnamed for legal purposes) billionaire “superhero” with no powers showed up and asked me to join his superhero team.
Attention Rec Center Patrons, We’re Adding the Following Pool Rules This Season Because Your Shit Kid Is on Our Last Nerve
The lifeguards have radar guns now and if we clock you at more than three miles per hour, YOU’RE GONE.
Kindergarten Missed Connections
You clapped for me in music when I put all the recorders in my mouth at once. They tasted like the way a basketball smells.
The Overly-Anxious, Child-Free Shopper’s Guide to Selecting a Gift for a Coworker’s Daughter’s Eighth Birthday Party
If you buy a homemade ice cream maker or a cookie decorating kit, you are contributing to the child obesity epidemic sweeping America.