A Letter to Mr. Six, the Dancing Six Flags Mascot from the Early 2000s, for Being a Lying, Cheating Son of a Bitch
That man that I saw on the screen—that I had grown up IDOLIZING—was actually just some hack in disguise.
Tag: Children
First-Degree Burns from a First Grader
Kid: I like your new shirt, Mama! Me: Thanks! Kid: I like how it makes you look like you have a big baby in your belly.
A Quick Note About Those Nerf Guns (Not Mine) that Everyone Saw
I seem to have sat at a desk that was positioned in front of a “shit ton of Nerf guns.” Actually, 33 to be exact.
How to Safely Reopen Schools According to Your Childless Male Friend
As a dude who’s got a bachelor's in biz dev, a 2.6 GPA, and has read most of the first quarter of "Infinite Jest," this shouldn't be all that hard.
How to Get Your Son to Stop Cockfighting, While Still Being the Cool Dad
I’d become what’s known as "The Cool Dad" among David’s friends, and I was worried that coming off as anti-cockfighting would harm that reputation.
“The Toys Are Sleeping” and Other Lies I Tell My Toddler
"The cat is sleeping right now. Use your quiet voice." / He’s not, but he’s 107 in people years. Stop screaming in his face.
My Preschooler or Jesus in the Infancy Gospel of Thomas?
His mother asketh him to get milk for he hath complained of thirst: but he drew in mischief a bottle of Sonoma Coast Chardonnay she loved dearly.
19th Century Asylum or Modern Daycare?
You approach a crying person and ask what’s the matter. They say, “Nothing.” Seconds later that person is interacting jovially with a colleague.
Mom, I Would Like to Watch the Cartoon Movie about Death Again
30 minutes in, dad dug his guitar out of the closet and then openly wept when he realized he had forgotten the chords to even the simplest song.
Whatever Happened to That Kid Who Jumped Over the Candlestick?
My parents whisked me into showbiz after the nursery rhyme was published. Birthday candles, campfires, firecrackers... I jumped over it all.
What to Do When You Catch Your Child “Playing Epidemiologist”
Remember questions from children come from bewilderment rather than an impulse to influence those in power to use policy to promote population health.
I’m the Woman in the Car Commercial and I Should Definitely Divorce My Husband
The keyless key fob is another amazing tool, even though I constantly have to search the house because my dumb husband lost it again.