Passages from My Nine-Year-Old’s Journal That Prove He’s Possessed by Walt Whitman’s Ghost
O’ empty day in the bore of my classroom. Today Miss Woolley asked me to remove my hat, and I reminded her that I will wear it as I please.
Tag: Children
Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
What I Plan to Do This Weekend, Knowing a 23-Ton Piece of Space Debris Is Expected to Crash Randomly into the Planet
I will still go to the farmer’s market, but I will definitely be glancing at the sky and looking for anything that looks like it might crash into me.
I’m Your Unexpected Hangover and I’m Here to Ruin Your Day
"I only had two glasses of wine with dinner." Ah, ah, ah. Correction: you had two AND A HALF glasses of wine.
I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan
All that changed when a (unnamed for legal purposes) billionaire “superhero” with no powers showed up and asked me to join his superhero team.
Attention Rec Center Patrons, We’re Adding the Following Pool Rules This Season Because Your Shit Kid Is on Our Last Nerve
The lifeguards have radar guns now and if we clock you at more than three miles per hour, YOU’RE GONE.
Kindergarten Missed Connections
You clapped for me in music when I put all the recorders in my mouth at once. They tasted like the way a basketball smells.
The Overly-Anxious, Child-Free Shopper’s Guide to Selecting a Gift for a Coworker’s Daughter’s Eighth Birthday Party
If you buy a homemade ice cream maker or a cookie decorating kit, you are contributing to the child obesity epidemic sweeping America.
Use These New Vehicular Parenting Styles to Dunk on Lazy Helicopter Parents
Uber Parents: Be too readily available, allowing your children to summon you at any hour of the day or night.
Classic Movie Quotes but the Movie’s About Parents Working from Home During a Pandemic While Their 5-Year-Old Also Has Virtual School
'It's online! It's online!' – Frankenstein 'If you start the Webex meeting, he will climb on your lap.' – Field of Dreams
A Letter to Mr. Six, the Dancing Six Flags Mascot from the Early 2000s, for Being a Lying, Cheating Son of a Bitch
That man that I saw on the screen—that I had grown up IDOLIZING—was actually just some hack in disguise.
First-Degree Burns from a First Grader
Kid: I like your new shirt, Mama! Me: Thanks! Kid: I like how it makes you look like you have a big baby in your belly.