The 45 Things Every Blossoming Child Needs in Their Micro School
A well-planned curriculum / Disposable teachers who can be replaced just in case / Pencils / 100% renewable eco-powered Mercedes buses
Tag: Children
We Are Going into a Bubble for My Adult Guitar Recital
With the help of a team of epidemiologists and many lawyers, I’m confident you’ll be able to safely watch me play “Last Nite” by The Strokes.
Satan Is No Longer Accepting Firstborns
The first of your progeny is not your finest. They’re laden with flaws: entitlement, jealousy, anxiety, and approval-seeking tendencies.
A Year of Children’s Birthday Parties
Riker, age 2 Theme: Toy Story Drinks: Miller Lite Damage: The moms nearly caught us dads vaping in the garage.
Single Parent During a Pandemic or Alcoholic?
You’re in no condition to drive. But it would be even more dangerous to let your companion do it.
My Life as an Empty Nester, According to Concerned Family and Friends
Deep, deep down, I do miss cleaning the bathroom after my son eats Chipotle’s Super Burrito with extra queso.
A Back-to-School Reminder to Parents Who Let Their Children Go Feral
Exposed to even one feral child, as many as 22 relatively domesticated children will revert to a state of nature by mid-morning recess.
Table of Contents: Parenting and Shit (A Parenting Book)
6. Clothes and Shit -It’s a diaper and not that hard to figure out, for fuck’s sake. -Bedazzling bullshit. -Why the fuck are head holes so small?
Governor, I’m Sick of All These Double Standards
Protests are okay but I can't go to the Olive Garden because I use the breadsticks for things that are "objectionable" and "extremely upsetting?"
P.C. Richard & I Have No Son
I cannot believe you had the gall to march into our Farmingdale headquarters, and rather than claim your birthright, insist that you go to college.
Is Your Child a Cactus, a Sourdough Starter, or a Dildo?
What does your child do for fun? A) Mescaline. B) Sits quietly while parents read NYT Cooking section. C) Derives enjoyment from pleasing others.
Sharks Aren’t Nearly as Scary as Canadian Geese and Yet They’re the Ones with a Week of TV
Some people say that sharks take nibbles to satisfy their curiosity. Rest assured, we're coming to bite you because we want to bite you.