I’m a High School Science Teacher, and I Pray Every Time I Set Up the Bowling Ball Pendulum
The basis upon which I have lived my entire life is jeopardized—and all because of a trust fall with the ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
Tag: Children
Sure, Anti-Vaxxers Are Bad, But Have You Met My Aunty Vaxxers?
My terrifying, needle-wielding aunt who breaks into my bedroom nightly, holds me down, and then gives me thousands of vaccines while I'm sleeping.
Dear Men Who Have Discovered Parenting Is Hard and Are Being Paid to Write About It
As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.
Harry Potter and the Semester from Home
“Young ladies and gentlemen, meet Finnius Fletcherbottom, head professor of our newest department, necessary this year, Wizarding IT!”
Bodies of Water You Stared At as a Depressed Child
The above ground pool with leaves in it is a well-known suburban standard in which a sad kid’s eyes can get wistfully lost.
Why I Went to Greg Johnson’s 8th Birthday Party Instead of Going to See Michael Jordan and the 1996 Chicago Bulls
The party was going to have two different kinds of ice cream cake. / I had serious concerns whether Dennis Rodman was going to be a good roster fit.
Diary Entries from the Season Bob Dylan Coached My Son’s Little League Team
Instead of wearing baseball caps, Coach Dylan has all the kids wearing these weird old hats he found at a garage sale.
My Name Is Old MacDonald and I Had More Than a Farm, I Had a Family
First there was a cluck-cluck here, then a cluck-cluck there, but soon my nightmares were filled with the cooings and cawings of the foulest fowl.
Global Pandemic Phone Etiquette, as Suggested by Your Mother
She is certainly allowed to raise her eyebrows when you admit you’re not seeing anyone, despite the fact that your city is still sheltering in place.
Must-Try Mother’s Day Sex Positions
The Time-Out - Take a break from spanking your husband to go spank your children for not doing the dishes.
I’m the LEGO Brick on Your Carpet and if You Step on Me One More Time You’ll Be Swimming with the Fishes, Capiche?
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
Sorry About the Ghost That Interrupted Our Zoom
It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual.