Must-Try Mother’s Day Sex Positions
The Time-Out - Take a break from spanking your husband to go spank your children for not doing the dishes.
Tag: Children
I’m the LEGO Brick on Your Carpet and if You Step on Me One More Time You’ll Be Swimming with the Fishes, Capiche?
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
Sorry About the Ghost That Interrupted Our Zoom
It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual.
Things You Say When Trying to Get Your Partner to Give You an Orgasm, or When Trying to Get Your Toddler to Wash Their Hands?
No, you can’t go get a few toys. Last time you left them lying around and I had to clean them up. / Here, can I just… let me help you.
Reality Competition Shows for Complete Psychopaths
Project Runaway Train: Designers are placed on trains careening toward the edge of a cliff at groundbreaking speed.
Our Ancestors Didn’t Escape the Pharaoh in Egypt for You to Do Nothing with Your Life
Karpas --- Eating the Green Vegetable: Is this the first vegetable you’ve had all month? We raised you better than to eat all that junk food.
Things My 16-Year-Old Is Capable and Seemingly Incapable of Doing
CAPABLE: Coordinating and implementing first person shooter strategy and tactics / SEEMINGLY INCAPABLE: Separating laundry
Tattoos You Got at 18 Because You Didn’t Have a Personality Yet
“Live, Laugh, Love” in Cursive: Are you a human or the wall clock I bought from the Home Goods clearance section?
You Are Cordially Invited to Grandpa’s 7th Emotional Birthday Party
One especially pleasing development is how Grandpa has started taking responsibility for his actions.
No, You Can’t Be the Leader of Post-Apocalyptic Earth
Buckaroo, it’s time to pack away the silly stuff and focused on what you might actually achieve before the ice caps melt and we have to build an ark.
9 Things to Tell Daughters They Can Be Without Going to Hell for Lying
A struggling WNBA player - Of course, your daughter can absolutely be the best point guard in the WNBA! / Probably bisexual - Give her to age 25.
It’s Me, The Retail Worker You Don’t Think Deserves More Than $2/Hour but That You Expect to Be on the Frontlines of the Pandemic Response
Since you believe we’re immune to feelings, it only makes sense that you believe we’re immune to the coronavirus, too.