Children | Page 22 | Points in Case

Tag: Children

Welcome to your life! You’ve been lucky enough to draw the sought after white, middle-class, dual-working parent scenario.

Any path, regardless of magic type, has one result?---social isolation and perverse obsession with colorful vests.

You can’t read half the ingredients and might be suffocating a baby penguin with excess sodium monofluorophosphate, but at least you’re minty fresh.

Quitticisim (kwit-??siz?m): The paralyzing decision to either delete or refresh Twitter every thirty seconds.

I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.

He repeated it while scribbling notes, carefully making sure he’d heard me correctly. “So you get home. The floor is lava. You take a shower?”

Running Shoes (1 pair): For use during the “Escape from Evil Stepmothers, Youth-Fixated Witches, and Tyrannical Kings” PE section. Adidas preferred.

Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.

Humorous: Suggest, as a possible place of origin, "Yo momma’s ass." Smile to indicate that you are "just kidding."

It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.

Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.

Forcing a dork to do all your homework for you and then not even turning it in, slowly introducing the concept of nihilism into their worldview.