An Apology from That One Friend Who Takes the Super Bowl Too Seriously
I’m sorry I climbed a utility pole outside during halftime to hang a handmade flag with my team’s logo.
Tag: Children
Patriotic Airlines Presents Mega-Patriot Credit Cards
In the event of a water landing, beneath your seat is a compartment that contains a credit card application in a waterproof pouch.
Escape Rooms for Adults
"Senior": You’re over 70 and must get your pills organized in that little plastic box with the SMTWTFS lids.
Ways the World Could End and What Happens After
The Sun Explodes: It’s been on fire for a few centuries now, it is only a matter of time until it explodes like a thing of bug spray in a campfire.
I’m Seven Years Old and You, Kid’s Cuisine, Are My Girlfriend
My word. Two penguin stickers here on your side. One surfing. One playing in the sand on the beach. Tells quite a story doesn’t it?
The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class
Second Lady Karen Pence has provided access to beautiful color shades such as Partial Birth Abortion Red-Orange and I Can Tolerate Misogyny Maroon.
Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster?
3) What did you get Aunt Peggy for Christmas? a. A big box of steering clear. b. Well, she would have wanted me to get myself something nice.
Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class
Many have told me that there would not be a problem in the first place if I would just get out of the way. Unfortunately, that isn't how I see it.
I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins
None of my fellow parishioners have invited me to partake in a communal sexual ritual to awaken the dead, or place a hex on targeted politicians.
The Monster Under My Bed is Addicted to His iPhone
“My heart hasn’t really been into scaring him lately, he’s such a good kid, and I was getting pretty bored down there. So I bought the phone."
The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules On What Can and Cannot Be Humped
Unfortunately, as you know, I want to rub my penis on everything in sight. I'm like 85% of men in show business: I'm a monster.