Just because someone had a tough childhood doesn't mean they can't go on to hold a sign at a gas station and do a stellar job watching your kids. Right?
My parents' top priority wasn't a clean room or fresh air, but fire safety. This is why I had a 15-foot fire ladder in my second-floor bedroom.
Throwaways like "Things are cray!" and "It's such a busy time of year!" don't mean anything if you don't have the unavailability to back it up.
Strap your child in tight: no one wants to be jostled in the helicopter mid-air, even if it's a short ride from the Upper East Side to the Hamptons.
Lucky, the dog I had growing up, was a living, breathing creature. Black Shuck, on the other hand, is a ghostly apparition fueled by bloodlust.
No matter how nicely he asks, Vincent the Vagrant is NOT permitted to bunk with you in your hotel room. He is only looking for loose dice.
I do want to settle down and get married. But I'm also stuck in the San Diego Zoo's rhinoceros cage and it's way harder to meet women in here.
While I can't speak for aliens as a whole, Craxtavore, Conqueror of Worlds, is a total dick. I can't believe Mom doesn't see through his façade.
Fitbitting, isn't like any of my previous sports - it's even more demanding. A real Fitbitter would see the opportunity in every inefficiency.
I wish my kid could keep the shoes, but my wife got really annoyed about the whole "$120" thing. Happy wife, happy life, am I right?
Goosebumps books have captivated young readers for generations. Here's a sample from the latest entry in the beautifully written series.
I first became suspicious of my supposed 8th birthday trip to Disney after seeing tons of balding men and refrigerators, and no sign of Mickey Mouse.