5 Players Who Should Be Pitching Tonight Instead of My Stepson Damien
It seems like Coach Johnson is completely willing to jeopardize the season by starting my stepson Damien, noted for embarrassingly once giving up 8 runs in a half inning.
Tag: Children
A Field Guide to the Flowers of Fart Town
The fifth graders got their way with the mayor, and it was a sad day to see the "Welcome to Cherry Hill" sign knocked down in favor of one that reads "Fart Town. Population: P.U."
Tragedies are Everywhere, and They’re Coming for Your Loved Ones
We see them on television, and we hear about them from our friends who got updated about them on Facebook--which, at this point, may as well just be called MyTragedyUpdate.com.
I Don’t Know Much About Media Manipulation, All I Know is That Donald Trump’s Cameo in “Home Alone 2” is So Freakin’ Funny
Trumps cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York may only be three seconds, but its gut-bustingly laugh-larious. Seriously, its that funny.
Will Someone Please Sleep With My Son?
My son is sick, and he needs your help. You see, there is only one way to cure him of the disease known as virginity: you must have sex with him.
How to Deal With Being Bullied at Camp
Being bullied at camp is much different than being bullied at school, at home, on the internet, or at a Game of Thrones cosplay convention.
Honey Boo Boo’s White House Intern Application
Like you, Mr. President, I'll do whatever it takes to win. Have you seen the footage of my landslide victory at the watermelon eating contest?
How Parents Set Babysitters Up for Failure
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.
A Father’s Guide to Gettin’ Busy with a Lady
I won't go into biological details, son, because that would just be awkward for both of us, but I really want you to understand that Gettin’ Down to Business is serious business.
Sorry Conservatives, Just Because I Was Raised By Two Moms Doesn’t Mean I’m Messed Up—I’m Messed Up Because My Moms Were Wolves
It really irks me when someone says my two-mom, non-traditional upbringing, could have damaged me as a child. I'm damaged because my moms were wolves.
Just Caught My Son Crandley YouTubing BMX on a School Night
Some nights I lie awake, wondering, is my son a nancy ass? Now, I fear the worst?: that he harbors dreams of a future in social work.
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.