Will Someone Please Sleep With My Son?
My son is sick, and he needs your help. You see, there is only one way to cure him of the disease known as virginity: you must have sex with him.
Tag: Children
How to Deal With Being Bullied at Camp
Being bullied at camp is much different than being bullied at school, at home, on the internet, or at a Game of Thrones cosplay convention.
Honey Boo Boo’s White House Intern Application
Like you, Mr. President, I'll do whatever it takes to win. Have you seen the footage of my landslide victory at the watermelon eating contest?
How Parents Set Babysitters Up for Failure
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.
A Father’s Guide to Gettin’ Busy with a Lady
I won't go into biological details, son, because that would just be awkward for both of us, but I really want you to understand that Gettin’ Down to Business is serious business.
Sorry Conservatives, Just Because I Was Raised By Two Moms Doesn’t Mean I’m Messed Up—I’m Messed Up Because My Moms Were Wolves
It really irks me when someone says my two-mom, non-traditional upbringing, could have damaged me as a child. I'm damaged because my moms were wolves.
Just Caught My Son Crandley YouTubing BMX on a School Night
Some nights I lie awake, wondering, is my son a nancy ass? Now, I fear the worst?: that he harbors dreams of a future in social work.
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
I’m Totally Against Abortion, Except in Cases of Ugly Women
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.
I’m Positive My Origin Story Means I’m Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now
The postage wouldn’t stop coming and my uncle moved us into a motel, but the wizarding world still found me.
5 Reasons Why I Will Continue to Give All I Have Coaching Water Polo to Youth
I stay up nights worried that my boys will not strive to be anything more than the chairman of the board of directors for a Fortune 500 trans-Atlantic conglomerate.
My Kid Has Usurped My Wife’s Breasts
I love Gabe. He's half me. And I’m sure that fact has something to do with his literal clinginess to Kristina's quadruple-D, turn-to-see milk-pillows.