My Childhood Pets
My second ever pet was a hamster. Her full name was Cooper the Super Duper Pooper (I was like, 6, and still maintain that rhyming is cool). Like any six year old, I wanted to hug my new best friend.
Tag: Children
1-800-PEDOPHILE: Take Control of Your Children Today!
Nowadays, it's all too common for a mother to have the holy blue hell beaten out of her daily by her 8-year-old son. But not after a visit by one of our trained sex offender actors!
Stop Posting About Your Kids on Facebook, Part 2
After Part 1, I still have several Facebook "friends" left that I'd like to alienate, so I will make my point again by ripping apart more annoying posts about kids I've seen recently.
Stop Posting About Your Kids on Facebook
I don't have any children that I know of, and I obviously don't understand the fraternity of parenthood, but come on, nobody wants to hear about your kids on Facebook.
Trophies Mean You Were One of the Cool Kids
All the dusty, gold-plated, tomboy-shaped trophies that define how cool I used to be are, sadly, probably sitting on the shelves of poor children who didn't earn them.
10 Things Destroying America’s Youth
American youths are steadily being eroded into douchebags, techno-geeks, and new age hippies. Here are the worst things chipping away at the next generation.
Suburban Boy Gets His First Job
<p><strong>SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLD, AFTERNOON</strong></p><p>SCOTT: Mom, can I borrow twenty dollars? I want to take Cindy to <em>Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince</em> and Dad hasn't paid me yet for mowing the—</p>
8 Things You Did as a Kid That You Wish You Could Do Now
<p><font size="3"><strong>1. Play Hide-and-Seek</strong></font></p> <p>This applies to "Ghosts in the Graveyard," four-square, and pretty much any other game you used to enjoy. If you're still engaging in these activities, odds are you're the only participant over the age of twelve, or you're drunk. </p>
Mommy, When I Grow Up I Want to be a Slut
In college, inner beauty clearly has as much use as a book on how to read, at least as far as getting laid goes. Enter the slut theory.
Study: Obese Kids Likely to Be Big Eaters
Ground-breaking research has determined that not only are fat children fat, they are also likely to be bullied. It's a crazy world.
It Was a Pleasure Beating You
His father was a hardnosed man. He was also hard-bodied, hardheaded, hardworking and a touch hard of hearing. The last one was the most dangerous.
Suicide Letter to a Child
Why have I decided to go live with Jesus? Well little buddy, I've had my own royal rumble wrestling match with myself and I lost.