I’m 10 Now, Which Means I’m the Biggest Little Bitch on This Playground
Looking around, all I see are duds. In the sandbox, I see toddlers who don’t even know how to use their own feet.
Tag: Children
Pelvic Floor Dilemmas for the Modern American Mom
You’re invited to a three-year-old’s birthday party where parents are—for some inexplicable reason—expected to join their children on the trampoline.
Thanks for Babysitting, We’re So Sorry
You’re very welcome to watch a movie, but little Olivia has chewed the arrow buttons off the remote so it will have to be the Paw Patrol movie.
Bob Dylan Singing “Mr. Tambourine Man” or Your Toddler on an Average Day?
Tells you in no uncertain terms that they are "NOT sleepy." Orders you to play the same song. Again.
The “Micky Mouse Pancakes” on Our Kids Menu Are Not Affiliated with the Walt Disney Company
Smiling or otherwise expressive mouse head-shaped pancakes are trademarked.
I Don’t Use Facebook Anymore, I’m Just Insufferable in Every Other Way
Since I’m no longer fixated on my news feed when we go out, I’ve started taking our six rescue dogs with me to the local coffee shop.
To the Person Who Gave My Toddler a Noisy Toy for Her Birthday
Thanks to you and the Magical Musical Mat™, every minute of my life is now a beeping, squawking, nonstop honking nightmare.
Mrs. Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Routine
Attempt to wash as baby breakfasts upon me and Mr. Franklin inquires as to where I’ve hidden his double spectacles; point to spectacles on Mr. Franklin’s face.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
A Guide to Tipping (If Your Young Child Has Chosen to Declare Himself the Table King)
28.5%: Waitstaff pleased the King by referring to him only as "my lord" or "my goodly liege."
We, the Manufacturers of the “Gargantuan Gary” Action Figure, Would like to Extend Our Deepest Condolences
It is beyond comprehension to many of us at Spaz headquarters that our new eighty-foot-tall action figure could be the cause of such an accident.
I’m Super Busy but I Still Have Enough Time to Explain to You in Excruciating Detail Just How Busy I Am
Between work and the kids, I’m as busy as George Santos if he had actually done all that stuff he said he’d done.