Mrs. Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Routine
Attempt to wash as baby breakfasts upon me and Mr. Franklin inquires as to where I’ve hidden his double spectacles; point to spectacles on Mr. Franklin’s face.
Tag: Children
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.
A Guide to Tipping (If Your Young Child Has Chosen to Declare Himself the Table King)
28.5%: Waitstaff pleased the King by referring to him only as "my lord" or "my goodly liege."
We, the Manufacturers of the “Gargantuan Gary” Action Figure, Would like to Extend Our Deepest Condolences
It is beyond comprehension to many of us at Spaz headquarters that our new eighty-foot-tall action figure could be the cause of such an accident.
I’m Super Busy but I Still Have Enough Time to Explain to You in Excruciating Detail Just How Busy I Am
Between work and the kids, I’m as busy as George Santos if he had actually done all that stuff he said he’d done.
Ways That I, a Non-Parent, Imagine I Will Someday Discipline My Children
With two kitchen chairs turned backwards facing one another, we’ll both sit down to hash things out.
We Didn’t Work Very Hard on This Elementary School Concert
Come on, these kids only have so much grit before they get completely fatigued.
If American Girl Dolls Were Too Historically Accurate
Kit is just as ready to play as she is to teach your little one about life during the Great Depression!
Moo Moo, Your Childhood Stuffed Animal, Is Filing for Emancipation
From the moment that Santa delivered Moo Moo to you under the artificial Christmas tree, Moo has felt smothered.
This Car Sticker of Guns Is My Family, and It Is Just as Sad as It Sounds
My sticker is hilarious because instead of a normie cartoon of my nonexistent wife and darling children, I’ve got two big guns.
Answers to All of the Questions Asked by the Little Girl Sitting Behind Me at Last Night’s Performance of “The Marriage of Figaro”
OK—technically you didn’t ask this, but no, you’re not supposed to sing along.
Ways I Imagined I Might Die When I Was a Kid
I decide not to say “please” or “thank you” and I’m immediately pummeled to death by a diner waitress.