Ways That I, a Non-Parent, Imagine I Will Someday Discipline My Children
With two kitchen chairs turned backwards facing one another, we’ll both sit down to hash things out.
Tag: Children
We Didn’t Work Very Hard on This Elementary School Concert
Come on, these kids only have so much grit before they get completely fatigued.
If American Girl Dolls Were Too Historically Accurate
Kit is just as ready to play as she is to teach your little one about life during the Great Depression!
Moo Moo, Your Childhood Stuffed Animal, Is Filing for Emancipation
From the moment that Santa delivered Moo Moo to you under the artificial Christmas tree, Moo has felt smothered.
This Car Sticker of Guns Is My Family, and It Is Just as Sad as It Sounds
My sticker is hilarious because instead of a normie cartoon of my nonexistent wife and darling children, I’ve got two big guns.
Answers to All of the Questions Asked by the Little Girl Sitting Behind Me at Last Night’s Performance of “The Marriage of Figaro”
OK—technically you didn’t ask this, but no, you’re not supposed to sing along.
Ways I Imagined I Might Die When I Was a Kid
I decide not to say “please” or “thank you” and I’m immediately pummeled to death by a diner waitress.
How to Tell Your Kids the Truth About Bigfoot
Be prepared to answer questions like, “What about all of those blurry photos he left on my phone?”
The Meaning of Christmas, by Bobby Taylor, Age 6
Jesus was born on a virgin. A virgin is a kind of a airplane. There was a pilot there called Punch Us.
Pictures with Santa Packages, from Best to Cheapest
This Santa is cloned from DNA from the original St. Nicholas, and raised in captivity in our North Pole mock-up.
My Child Finally Stole from Me My Last Vestige of Coolness, My Spotify Wrapped
What’s the point of listening to obscure music if no one knows your doing it?
Yelp Reviews of Pennywise the Clown
P.U., this clown stunk! Literally, he smelled like he crawled out of a sewer.