In This House, We Say Merry Christmas
When other people say, "Could you point me towards the restroom? Please hurry, I really have to go," we say, “Merry Christmas."
Tag: Christmas
6 Reasons Santa Claus is Now Called Jeff Bezos
All I need is for Bezos to read my kids a bedtime story and I will be up for the 2018 award for disconnected dad of the year.
Christmas Letter from the Millers
When not studying, Teddy enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he's a grown man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids.
My Name is Connie, But You Know Me as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I lived upstate, I didn't know how to dress at all. I just hung out in the woods all day with nothing on.
Reindeer Games and Why We Don’t Let Rudolph Play Them
Reindeer Hide-and-Seek: The whole point is to be inconspicuous, but you know that's outside the range of this attention-seeking try-hard.
Wrapping Paper is the Dark Lord’s Curse on the Holiday Season
Your innocence is adorable. Yes! Crumple it, toss that ball of misery across the room. Release your righteous fury!
Updating Christmas Stories and Songs for the Modern World
"It’s A Wonderful Life": George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.
A Cormac McCarthy Character Goes Christmas Shopping at Costco
I hope I don't have to use the revolver, but this is Costco—godless territory where wild men purchase two-gallon tins of popcorn on any given day.
Holiday Season Tipping Etiquette For 2018
BARBER: It is customary to tip your barber $15 for each person who complimented your haircut and then immediately had sex with you.
Five People on Your Holiday Shopping List Who Would Want My Copy of “Timesplitters 2”
Your Rabbi: The Talmud teaches many things, but it doesn’t teach how to destroy the attack helicopter on the roof of the “Oblask Dam” level.
Thanks a Lot for Dumping Me, Your Big-City Fiance, In This Hallmark Holiday Movie
I didn’t know that a first date at a restaurant was inferior to slipping on ice in your heels and falling into the arms of your high school ex.
A Few Changes Re: “End of Year” Which is No Longer the “Holiday Season”
There are numerous holidays, and some of us will be spending December 25 at a TGI Fridays while their soon to be ex-wife blows the retirement fund.