Unabridged Hotel Towel Rules
A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is delicate.”
Tag: Cliches
Using Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” to Assert Shower Dominance Over Your Roommate
“Be where your enemy is not.” When your roommate occupies the shower, secure the sofa or most comfortable communal chair, as well as the remote.
Love Tokens I Can Send My Boyfriend Instead of the Nudes He Keeps Asking For
My baby teeth set in a silver box / A vial of the tears I cried every time he asked me for nudes after I kept saying no
Alternatives to “An Abundance of Caution”
If we do nothing, the oft-employed phrase may die of exhaustion. Why not try "a conglomeration of carefulness" or "a wealth of wariness"?
Things You Say When Trying to Get Your Partner to Give You an Orgasm, or When Trying to Get Your Toddler to Wash Their Hands?
No, you can’t go get a few toys. Last time you left them lying around and I had to clean them up. / Here, can I just… let me help you.
Opening Sentence Drafts for My Brand’s Coronavirus Email Blast
In these unprecedented times, / In these, let’s be real, horrifying times, / In these gay Oklahoman tiger overlord TV star times,
The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover That Paul Simon Didn’t Want You to See
Be too into board games, James / Finally say how you really feel, Neil / Act like a slob, Rob / Cut them out of the will, Bill
20 More Eerie Coincidences Between Lincoln and JFK’s Assassinations
Both times people were upset about it. / Both assassins used firearms as a method of assassinating. / Thus, both assassinations were really loud.
Classic Movie Quotes, Updated for the Pandemic
“Keep your friends close---actually, keep them distant, and your enemies distant too. Stay pretty much six feet away from everyone.”
Phrases I’ve Heard from People I’ve Never Seen Again
Text me your name, so I have it in my phone! / How long have you been in New York? We have to get together!
Woke Reboots for Classic Movies
T2: Non-Judgmental Acceptance Day / The Empire Respects the Will of the Populace / 10 Things I Respectfully Disapprove of About You
Unsuccessful Proverbs About Bridesmaids
It’s a bridesmaid-eat-bridesmaid world. / Treat your friends like family and your family like bridesmaids. / Hate the bride, not the bridesmaid.