Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee!
Before coffee, I’m, like, a zombie feeding on its own, like… brains or whatever, and struggling to complete straightforward zombie analogies.
Tag: Coffee
An Appeal to the Committee’s Ruling That Candy Is Not a Breakfast Food
I was never properly notified of the existence (and have yet to receive a copy) of the complete list of the committee-approved breakfast foods.
An Ode to the Lost Week
Maybe you’ve returned to your normal life and are back at work, arriving to a ghost town at 10 AM, taking a two-hour lunch, and leaving by 3 PM.
Hold the Phone, Wife and Husband Are Also Best Friends?!
Spending the night with your wife is now HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH YOUR BESTIE. Dinner dates are now EATING WINGS WHILE YOU GOSSIP ABOUT NON-BESTIES.
“30 Under 30” Who Are Doing Just Okay
Darren McCoy, 28, Class of 2013, Has an 8-Year-Old Batman Spec Script No One Has Read.
Congratulations on Securing a Saggy Bed and Creaky Desk at Our Artist Colony!
This residency is fully funded and exists in an alternate universe where the words fully funded do not mean we give you funds.
Excerpt from the Diary of a Pumpkin Spice Latte
I’m just a Pumpkin Spice Latte, standing in front of a customer, asking them to love me for more than 55 days a year...
Translations of the Text Message “WYD”
“I don’t want to come off as needy so I’ve been sitting on this text for precisely 72 hours since our last hang.”
Dear Wikipedia Readers, We’ll Get Right to It: We Need Your Money
That should say “eight million." I guess you could pay somebody to fix it or—wait, we do that for free, all for the cost of a cup of coffee, don’t we?
I Prefer Cold Weather to Hot Weather Because You Can Always Put on More Layers and Still Get Frostbite and Die
God, I adore those deadly Arctic air jet streams like they’re a Jacuzzi jet femme fatale delivering ice to my shivering body. The tingle!
Sorry Cowards, But Normal Vases Are Cancelled
If I see an unattended Mason jar, you’re goddamn right that I’m filling it with marbles, lemon slices, and a few artistically disheveled wheat stems.
Obvious Money Saving Tips for Millennials
Instead of buying a latte, deposit $5,000 in an IRA. Do that every single day and within less than a year you’ll have nearly a million dollars!