Open Letter to the Other Dad at the PTA Meeting with a World’s Best Dad Coffee Mug
ROUND 2: We will re-enact Alice Cooper's “School's Out for Summer” video shot for shot. Contestants may borrow as many eye-liner pencils as they need.
Tag: Coffee
Fish Out of Water
A week ago, my girlfriend left me for a flying fish. You know, the kind with the little wings that glide, the kind you hear about.
Secret Starbucks Menu Items for Assholes
This secret menu item is complicated, multi-layered, bold, and bitter: it’s perfect for the starving artist (because it’s got 12 grams of protein).
If Howard Schultz Won’t Screw Up This Election by Running as a Democratic-Leaning Independent, Then I, David Hoffmann, President and CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts, Will
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures---have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you COULD!
Azor Ahai is the Coffee Cup in “Game of Thrones,” 100% Confirmed
Many viewers claim that this was an accident, but the truth is that every aspect of this show is meticulously planned including Ed Sheeran’s cameo.
A Letter to My (Former) Stock Photo Casting Agent
“You won’t be needing that anymore,” you told me “from now on, you’re known as ‘sad male employee burns mouth on coffee too hot office man.'”
How Bugs Kill Themselves
I know this is sugarcoated for the sake of elementary school curriculums but caterpillars do not transform into butterflies. They die in there.
The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement
Our love blossomed with the speed of a carefully edited, 30-second commercial for prescription diarrhea medicine.
These New Jigsaw Puzzles Will Have You Puzzled
Pour the contents of "Berries in a Blender?! Whaaaaaat? Berries in a Blender!©" puzzle bag into a blender and pulse for a second for an easy puzzle.
Is Pete Buttigieg Gay Enough? If He Can Answer These Questions, He Just Might Be
Question 3. Do you understand the innate joke that lies in calling your supporters the Pete Fleet and are you willing and able to joke about it?
Optimize Your Originality by Copying Famous Creatives’ Daily Habits
Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): Awoken by spousal uppercut at 6:30, the philosopher began an impressive washing regimen; Kant felt his mind was sharpened by pouring pitchers of cold water over himself.
My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series
Wednesday: After pissing out 6 cups of coffee, 8 cups of orange juice, and a bottle of Gatorade, I collapsed in a state of near catatonia.