How You’ll Defer the Draft Based on Your Star Sign
Aries: You’re no conformist! You’ve accepted that and so should the US government. They haven’t though, so you’ll fake your own death.
Tag: Crime
Help Wanted for Covert Criminal Operation
Qualifications: Ability to fire one-liners and innuendo, as well as sex appeal. You don’t follow rules, but you live by your own personal code.
The Grinch Shouldn’t Be Prosecuted in the Court of Public Opinion
In Who-ville, critical thinking is not valued as a trait. No, rumor and hearsay are given far more weight.
Help, My Life Has Become a Backdoor Pilot!
No one cared about me. The main story suddenly became Hannibal's unique style of investigation and vague allusions to a troubled past.
My Grandpa’s Cookie Recipe That Serves as Evidence He Was D.B. Cooper
Slowly add in the dry mixture until combined. The batter should be rough as the terrain near the Washougal River Basin in Washington state.
Literal Evergreen Humor for Literal Evergreens
Why couldn’t the palm tree go to the ski resort in Switzerland? Because it was alpine and also they are not native to the temperate climatic zone.
Slogans from the MTA’s Expanded “See Something, Say Something” Campaign
If you SEE something delicious, SAY “that looks yummy!” If you SEE something nutritious, SAY “I think I’ll go back to the yummy thing from earlier.”
The Children of the Corn Give Thanks for Corn Subsidies
Thanks to the Farm Bill's protections, we can look after our community without having to do the murderous bidding of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
Dr. Seuss’s “Ok Boomer”
He is shortish and bossy, entitled and bold, / but it’s mainly important you know that he’s old.
I, Zippy the Jetpack Boy, Have Been Hired to Fix Your Subway System!
No one knows more about getting from point A to point B with lethal efficiency than Zippy the Jetpack Boy -- that this is bound to rub off on the job.
Disappointing: The Groundskeeper Faking the Haunting in the House I Just Inherited to Try to Scare Me Off Is Barely Even Trying
I caught him watching old episodes of Scooby-Doo and scribbling in a notebook. He was mumbling things like, “Oooh, that’s a good one to plagiarize.”
Our New Corporate Cybersecurity Rollout Protects Your Computer by Rendering It Completely Inaccessible to You
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot