The Most Heartwarming Stories of Late Capitalism This Week
When a teen in New Mexico had trouble concentrating in class due to hunger, her teachers managed to buy her six months’ worth of Adderall! Wow!
Tag: Crime
A Heartfelt Thank-You to the Robocall That Told Me About the Outstanding Warrant for My Arrest
Now that I’m safely in hiding and have murdered more people, I wanted to thank you, the robot who is responsible for me still being on the streets.
Confessions of Clark: Excerpts from the Diary of a Middle-Aged Superman
Lois has been distant ever since we found out my sperm could kill her. She keeps making snide comments about how Batman wouldn't have this problem.
False Starts to My New Noir Novel
Mother slapped me. She was a former NYPD detective, eighty-eight years old and in the early stages of dementia.
My Ninja Turtle Jokes Aren’t Getting the Right Laugh
Let’s acknowledge that I’m the only person in this company with a catchphrase. The comedic effect of “cowabunga, dude!” is enhanced by repetition.
I Thought I Loved Derrick to the Moon and Back, But We Still Have 318,000 Miles Left in This Voyage and I Think I Might Kill Him
I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.
A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
St. Peter Will Not Let Me Into Heaven Unless I Admit That My 11th Grade Girlfriend Broke Up With Me, And Not the Other Way Around (Untrue)
There’s no way I could have been dumped. I was in the prime of my life—I had a t-shirt for every major beer brand and I drove a Pontiac Grand Am.
Modern Male Authors Rework Literary Classics by Women
"A Room of One’s Own" by Stieg Larsson: But, you may say, we asked you to speak about women who don’t take any shit and the stories they tell
Robbing the Wealthy at Arrowpoint and Redistributing Their Gold to the Peasantry Only Leads to More Peasants
You never know what a peasant is going to do with that signet ring you slipped from the archbishop's finger while pretending to kiss his hand.
Ransom Note From a Kidnapper Who Just Took a Creative Writing Class
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.
Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys
Who faced more adversity than when Elizabeth was defrauding people based on an invention that was scientifically impossible? No one, that’s who.