The Secret to Marriage
Don't dwell on your decision to crush that hitchhiker’s skull after listening to your partner suck lettuce from their molar for the last seven exits.
Tag: Crime
If Ghosts Aren’t Real, How Do You Explain the Eviction Notice That Mysteriously Appeared on My Door?
These mysterious eviction notices may be related to ectoplasm, as both are occasionally left behind following a paranormal experience.
Why Should I, Someone Who Enjoys Putting Razor Blades in Halloween Candy, Have My Rights Trampled Upon Just Because of the Actions of a Few Bad Apples?
Why strip away the rights of people like me, a man in perfect mental health who wants to shove a razor blade into a Pecan Chunky purely for kicks?
How to Tell If Your Catcaller Could Be the One
If he’s willing to stand behind his declaration of love for your “sweet ass,” then odds are that he’ll also be into a committed relationship.
An Open Letter to Whomever is Opening My Letters
Who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people like me, looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a knife nearby.
The Honest Calendar of a 17-Year-Old Rapist
October 28: Buy easy access costume for Halloween rape --- maybe just go as a giant penis and forgo pretense?
You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House and Stole a Bunch of Your Shit—Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything to Goodwill
And yes, before you ask, this is the best I could come up with---I mean, what was supposed to do? Not break into your house and steal a bunch of shit?
An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus
One look at a picture of pink circle meat and I can taste the salty sweetness melting into my mouth before I can even say “side ham, if you please.”
Dear Batman: Please Park Legally
Sarah: "I walked into my greenhouse and found a large tank parked on the roof. No light could get in and all my plants died. I lost my business."
Tips for Owning a Birdhouse
Do not launder money through your birdhouse. It is a crime punishable by penalty of not getting to have a birdhouse anymore.
I Think My Teenage Son is Trying to Make His Own Katamari Ball
I purchased several bottles of Gorilla glue. Far more than would be needed in the house and/or for any "school project." In a week we were out again.
Where Are They Now? The Stars of Jurassic Park
Adopting the moniker Steg For More, Larsson’s first album produced the song “Leggo my Steggo,” which hit #5 on the Australian Billboard Top 100.