Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town
We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.
Tag: Crime
A North Jersey Mob Boss Holds a Zoom Meeting About “Legitimate Business”
If anyone’s screen-sharing with a cop, it won’t be long until you’re keeping six feet away from the living. Screen-sharers are dead to me.
We’ve Taken Your Local NPR Station Hostage to Help Them Reach Their Pledge Drive Goal
Once we're done, we'll untie them so they can bring you the latest in electric cars and a look at the banjo quartet releasing a Wu-Tang cover album.
Great Computer Passwords No One Will Ever Guess, Except Now That They Are on This List about Great Passwords
NotJeff: This password is great for anyone not named Jeff. Again though, please don’t actually use this password since it is on this list.
Listen Scumbag, We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way or the Real Silly Way
I have a team of techs going over every inch of your apartment. I also know we could find so many hilarious props around here.
I’m the LEGO Brick on Your Carpet and if You Step on Me One More Time You’ll Be Swimming with the Fishes, Capiche?
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
House Hunting Tips from a “Law & Order” Detective
You’re gonna want a place near bars, delis, and neighborhood laundromats. These are full of characters who will be furiously vague witnesses.
Close Your Eyes, Breathe, and Relax While This App Steals Your Stuff
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
It’s Not a Multi-Level Marketing Scheme, We’re Robbing a Bank
Those schemes you see online always rely on poor saps buying whatever vitamin powder or skin cream you’re hawking. Ridiculous, right?
Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie’s Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times
I was not leaving my house, both to avoid getting infected with COVID-19 and to avoid running into Joey “Iron Fists” Cachatolli.
20 More Eerie Coincidences Between Lincoln and JFK’s Assassinations
Both times people were upset about it. / Both assassins used firearms as a method of assassinating. / Thus, both assassinations were really loud.
How to Make Every Interaction About Netflix’s “Tiger King”
3. Make sure to shout, "BIG CATS!" in a fake Southern accent every 47 minutes no matter where you are.