Open Letter to the Guy I’ve Been Dating in My Mind for 18 Months
I asked you on a date in my head and pretend-you said yes. This confirmed it; you are a kind-hearted guy who can see the potential in me.
I asked you on a date in my head and pretend-you said yes. This confirmed it; you are a kind-hearted guy who can see the potential in me.
I don’t know if you’re feeling it watching from up there in the studio but down here on the ice, you can just feel the absence of emotion and energy.
Negative and disgusting things you should save until at least the second date, if you're lucky enough to get that far.
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
trump: jeff if you hang up on me i will have to talk directly to your— (jeff bezos hangs up)
How awful is it to find someone you think is perfect, only to have them flake out the first time you encounter a tragedy?
#15: A renewable source of shitty Target sweaters through the year 3035. #18: Stopper for a Jiffy Lube grease pit.
It’s like being teleported to any Texaco lavatory in the tri-county area without having to leave the comfort of your living room!
Watching other people play video games on YouTube, crying, and masturbating hasn't helped you find anybody yet. So, what's the real problem?
You're a 31-year-old seventh grader living with the love of your life, and you're so unemployed it hurts. These tricks will keep your partner at bay.
For the Lost Kings "Work" remix, always say "werk" in lieu of "work." As your adamantly heterosexual boyfriend says, "It's better to twerk, girl!"
Can I please just host this disco sex party in peace, without the dread of a Grindr message like, "Is there a face to go with your torso?"