I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
Tag: Death
Welcome to Our Drone Light Show, Please Excuse the Behavior of Our Drones
Ok, so it looks like they’re depicting the many scourges man has brought upon this Earth.
At Pirate’s Landing Funeral Home, We’ll Treat You with the Dignity You Desaaarrrrve
We at Pirate’s Landing Funeral Home take a human-first approach to plannin’ a swashbucklin’ goodbye.
I’m Your Loved One in a Movie and I’m Definitely Not About to Die
I know I’ve been closed off my entire life, but, I don’t know, there’s something about right now that just makes me want to bare my soul to you.
The Missing Diary of a Serial Killer, or Possibly of a Toddler-Parent
I think about how life could have been easier if I’d just stayed the course and resisted certain… urges.
Dueling Tips from a Veteran Duelist
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!
Everyone Is Inherently Worthy of Love, Respect, and Belonging—Except for You
My metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be.
I Have Googled “Foot Pain” and Regret to Inform You That I Am Dying
After an extensive journey of self-learning which some have called a “downward spiral,” it is obvious this agony is a rare inoperable cystic cancer.
I Refuse to Consider Myself a Choking Victim
If you pat me on the back, I’d prefer to feel like it’s because I earned it.
SOS! The Titanic Is Sinking and the Band Won’t Play Any Requests
Say… you there, clinging to the railing for dear life: would you like to hear some facts about jazz?
We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.
For God’s Sake! Why Are You All Still Ordering Our Spiciest Wings That Have Put 27 in Comas?!
We are strongly discouraging any food vloggers, frat bros, or any self-proclaimed "spice fiends" from coming to Tony’s Tavern (off I-85, exit 17).