We, the Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.
Tag: Death
I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead and Truthfully, I’m Looking Forward to It
You can imagine what my relief will be when I go under for my final rest, a sleep from which I’ll never wake up disappointed.
The Run-Over Deer You’ve Decided to Use as a Symbol for Your Crumbling Relationship Has Had Enough
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
How to Ensure Your Grandchild Suffers for Decades After Your Passing
Are you sinister enough? Do you relish the insulin whiplash of your grand-twit's metabolism as he devours a Werther’s Originals from your hand?
An Open Letter from a Disgruntled Vampire
There are no dry cleaners open all night in my area, and so I have hundreds of bloody, or just plain smelly, shirts I don't know what to do with.
Re-Elect Me Sheriff of Kingston Falls or Gremlins Will Destroy Our Town Again, by Sheriff Frank
We saved lives, and now it’s safe again to watch Snow White without worrying that the theater will be overrun by pointy-eared monsters and explode.
Memo to Staff: It’s the Apocalypse, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s the End of the World
Tragic for sure. Indeed, many of you have asked what impact the end of the world will have on your 401(k) match.
Yes, There Is an Active Serial Killer Living in Your Building and Yes, We Are Still Raising Your Rent
Let's not let a few small incidents of homicide overshadow the fact we recently installed washer-dryers in every single apartment.
We Apologize to Campers Who Expected Loons but Got Lions
For example, our description page should have read, “Lull yourself to sleep to the haunting cry of lions echoing across the lake.”
Maybe You Don’t Need Masks After All, By a North American Vulture
Don't forget it's scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer.
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I’ve Been a Coward This Whole Movie, So It’s Time to Stupidly Do Something Brave and Die
With five minutes left in the movie, I am about to undergo a radical psychological transformation and become brave.