Antifa Job Postings, According to Republicans
Have experience with peaceful protesting but want to take it to the NEXT LEVEL? Often described as "the last person someone would suspect of being a criminal"?
Tag: Death
Hello and Welcome Aboard This Flight on America’s One Remaining Airline!
Today we’re flying a Communal Brain Space 1000. And through a partnership with Amazon, this aircraft runs 100% on recycled human suffering.
Satan Is Now on Cameo to Give You All Types of Shoutouts
I know a lot of you are all about sacrificing lives and animals to honor me, so I thought I would sacrifice some of my time for all of you.
We’re Sorry Our Roombas Are Killing You, But There’s Absolutely Nothing We Can Do
We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.
Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
How to Tell If You Died and Became Santa, or Are Just a Messy Bitch
I am growing a long-white beard at a scary rapid pace! Uh-oh looks like someone might have the case of being magically transformed into St. Nick!
Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed Reveals Her Skincare Secret
I abide religiously by three principles: stay out of the sun, get plenty of sleep, and bathe in the blood of virgin women.
20 Excuses for Getting Out of Looking at the Body at a Funeral
I think I just saw Grandma's ghost! She’s headed towards the Applebee's down the street. I should follow her just to make sure she gets a booth.
I’m a 200-Year-Old Ghost and I’m Sick of Your Quarantine Whining
Eternity. Did you catch that? That’s two months times infinity. Let that rattle around in your thick skull for a moment.
The Six Differences between Andre the Giant and Louis Pasteur
Andre The Giant contributed significantly less to the collective knowledge of germ theory.
Please, I Just Want to Have a Normal Martial Arts Tournament
The Four Wings tournament is in no way, shape, or form, “to the death.” I really don’t know how people keep getting that impression.
How to Tell if You’re Having Coronavirus Symptoms or Simple Ketamine Withdrawal
In these trying times, it may be harder than ever to tell exactly why you feel like total shit when you wake up in the morning.